Resolved

Well folks the New Year has just begun!! New Year’s presents itself as a time for reflection, to examine the year that went before and sometimes resolve to change what will come in this next year.  I jumped the gun and did a lot of that already.  The changes I needed to make in my life were not ones that could wait for New Year’s.  I head into 2014 with a life that is already dramatically different than the years before and I am so thankful for the changes.

It has been my tradition on past New Year’s to look through Jonathan Edward’s resolutions.  He wrote out 70 resolutions that were not reserved for a New Year, but were part of the every day.  Resolutions that were written to help him focus on living every moment to the glory of God.  Here’s a link to the whole list in case you want to check them out yourself

The Resolutions of Jonathan Edwards

One resolution of his that has always hit me is number six “Resolved, to live with all my might, while I do live.” Not live halfheartedly and coast through life but to live well, to enjoy life fully, to seek after the Lord fervently, to love hard, to be poured out as a drink offering. 

This one always hits me because I've had moments in my life when I've done what he’s talking about.  It’s incredible to live with all my might.  There’s a hope and wonder and joy that comes from knowing you’re being used fully.   The problem is that it has only been for moments, most of the time I haven’t lived anywhere close to that.   I've struggled with things that shouldn't matter.  I've moped around when I haven’t got the things I wanted. I've lived scared to let go of the familiar even when I knew it wasn't where I belonged.  I've lived angry.  I've lived worried.  I've lived in panic.  I've lived in sorrow.  I've lived in selfishness.  I've done all those things, but I have not lived with all my might.

I am not normally one to make resolutions, but this year I am going to make this one “To live with all my might while I do live” To live as one who smiles at the future.  To be a woman whose life reflects the glory of her King as it never has before.  To enjoy the wondrous gifts I have been given with zeal. To love hard.

This year is already so different than the last.  Sometimes the differences are overwhelming.  Yet I know this path is the right one even though I can only see a few paces ahead.  I prepare now to walk those steps with all my might,  meet  the road ahead with faith in the Lord who guides my steps and with songs of rejoicing in the good He has done and will do.

Tired Out

Yesterday I woke up early, drank some delicious French press coffee, and did a couple loads of laundry preparing to face one of my least favorite tasks.   .   . Fixing a flat tire.  Tires have been my mortal enemy since I started driving.  During the middle of my insurance license training (where if you miss a few even a few minutes you have to retake it all) I found myself stranded on the side of the highway, flat tire, no cell phone and no spare.   Thankfully A truck driver stopped and drove me to work.  I did have that moment, after I already had gotten into the truck, when you think “oh wait he could be a serial killer”, but He was not and I live to tell the tale.  Another time I was out of town, and a flat tire sent me to Walmart begging them to honor the tire’s warranty.  Which eventually they did.  .   . After a Dorothy-esque melt down crying “There’s no place like home”

Needless to say I have a bad history with tires, and even after a couple perfectly normal tire experiences can’t help but brace for disaster.  Everything started out just fine with snow on the ground I decided to call the AAA guy to change the tire out for a spare instead of doing it myself.  I’ve changed tires before and am capable of doing it, but why crouch in the snow myself when I can call a man in a jumpsuit and heavy gloves to do it for me?  He arrived an hour before the estimated time (Which was awesome!!!) and changed the tire lickity split.  He also gave the standard “Don’t drive over 50MPH and its only for temporary use” instructions, which I have memorized over years on tiresome adventures.

Once the spare was on the real fun began.  I went to BJ’s to get the flat repaired, it wasn’t holding air and I knew for sure there was a nail in it so I figured it would be simple enough.  Well the BJ’s on Sheridan (that was supposed to replace my BJ’s on Young St which had a wonderful tire garage) does not have a tire garage.  I asked an employee there just to make sure it wasn’t hidden away somewhere and He replied that they had a Deli instead of a garage.   .   . Why a Deli and a garage are mutually exclusive I do not know.  My theories are as follows the Cheese wheels  are jealous of real wheels,  some very creative people use bologna  to patch their tires or the fresh tire smell wafting through the warehouse somehow makes sandwiches less appetizing thus devastating Deli sales.   Whatever the reason I journeyed on to another BJ’s.

At the next BJ’s there were tires and people who fix tires, but a two hour wait before they could even look at it.  Apparently in Buffalo tires are a common Christmas gift and Tire places are overwhelmed the week after Christmas with people getting there gifts installed.  Well since I left the tire and kept my car waiting two hours was a snap.  I went to Walmart to watch people paw through the clearance Christmas paraphernalia.   It was only 50% off I wait until it’s at least  75% off before I get into it myself.  I also watched a product  demonstration and received a FREE decorators knife valued at $5.  After I spent about an hour and 45 minutes I went for a cup of coffee.

I picked up the coffee at precisely the right time because a man called from BJ’s with some bad news.  Bad news is always better when you have a fresh, hot cup of coffee.   I was thankful things timed out that way something simply delightful to help ease the blow of “Well your rim is shot”  I drove back to BJ’s and they showed me the air escaping by the massive dent in my rim and rolled the poor tire back to the car. 

Since it was getting late in the day there was nothing more to do than go to musical practice.  Of course it’s great to go to a place where bursting into song is perfectly acceptable.  Being that today is New Year’s Eve and my mechanic should be spending time with his family I’ve resolved to deal with the car next year.  I spent the night at my mom’s house to avoid the angry tailgating of driver’s who would prefer I not drive 50 in a 55 and sit here thankful that a screwed up tire is my only problem.  In a world where there are people that are homeless, hungry and suffering in ways I can’t even imagine a flat tire is not too bad at all. 

To Christmas and Beyond!!

So the last week has been a busy one!  I was blessed to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with my mom and sister.   It was a wonderful time!   We attended a beautiful Candlelight service at my sister’s church on Christmas Eve and were able to focus on the birth of the Savior.  How awesome it is to be reminded each year of the True Light that brings light to every man coming into the world.   

It was so good this year to have a simple Christmas, close family, hot coffee, bacon, red velvet muffin tops, games, fuzzy socks, movies and Chinese food.  Christmas can end up being stressful sometimes because we try to create a warm, fuzzy feeling using fancy decorations, gourmet meals and elaborate plans.  I was so thankful this year just to relax with my family, to open presents, to laugh together and to enjoy one another without all the frills.

After Christmas I journeyed down to Laurelville, Pennsylvania for Winter Youth Conference.  I hadn’t planned on going this year, but thankfully the barriers that had stood in the way of me going moved aside and I was able to make the trip. 

I’ve been going to camp in the summer and Winter Youth Conference in the winter for a long time.  Both of those ministries have had a tremendous impact on my life over the years. The messages I’ve heard from godly men preaching the Word of God, and the relationships I’ve built with brothers and sisters in Christ from other churches have been tools that the Lord has used to work on my heart in many ways.  I am so thankful that the Lord has seen fit to allow me to be involved in camp ministry for so long and even though it wasn’t my original plan I was thrilled to be able to make the trek this year.

Winter Youth Conference consists of an incredibly focused time in God’s Word, fellowship with Christians for other churches in our denomination, times of corporate worship and prayer,  and of course crazy games of soccer, volleyball and extreme snow tubing.  This year the teaching was focused on prayer and the messages were drawn from The Lord’s Prayer.

“Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts as we forgive or debtors and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil for thine is the kingdom, and the power and the glory forever. Amen.”

It’s a passage I know well, at my church we recite it at least once a month, and I’ve had it memorized for as long as I can remember.   It was still such a blessing to meditate on those words.  To remember that this was the answer Jesus gave when the disciples asked Him how they should pray.  I have no intention of trying to write everything that I learned in six sessions of intense teaching, but I did want to write about a few things that struck me.

First, the privilege it is to pray “Our Father” I often take that for granted.  I breeze by that name for God in my prayers without a second thought.  It is extraordinary that the Holy Creator of the universe would teach me to call Him Father.  He not only allows me to call Him Father, but acts as a Father toward me.  He shows me compassion, He meets my needs, He gives good gifts, He is faithful to keep His promises, and He is consistent in all His actions.  To be able to address Almighty God as Father is wondrous and it was sweet to dwell on that thought, to taste those words anew and savor them. 

Another point that was extremely helpful for me to think on was the phrase “Your will be done” these too are words that often don’t impact me as I recite them or say them in my own prayers.  They don’t refer to the secret things of the Lord, the future He has ordained that I desperately want to know now.  They refer in this prayer to His will as He has revealed it in His Word.  The commands He gives like “Love your enemies”, “Thou shalt not bear false witness to your neighbor”, “Be content with such things as you have” all of those things He says in His word to do or to not do are His will for how I should live.  I pray for His will to be done on earth as it is in heaven and then I disobey His commands. How crazy is that?  In heaven His angels perfectly keep His commandments on earth I disobey His will constantly.  Praying for His will to be done is asking Him to help me to do His will.  To embrace His will, to seek to know His will from His Word, to love His law.  It’s a challenging prayer for me to pray because so often I love my own will and don’t want to turn from it.  Yet it is a prayer I want to pray. I want the Lord to work in my heart so that I become an instrument of righteousness He can use to do His will on this earth.

There’s so much more I could write about, and I may write more about this later.  I think this is enough for now.  The depth of God’s word never ceases to amaze me.  This section of the Word is so familiar to me and yet it still worked as a sword piercing my heart.  It was a blessing to hear God’s Word preached in the midst of some pretty awesome young people.  I am praying that God uses His word to work in their lives even more than He has used it in mine.

Super Sarah Strikes Again

One of the worst feelings I’ve had in my life has been the feeling of uselessness.  There have been times when I have felt like a burden to the people around me.  Times when I haven’t seen any real way to be a help and encouragement to them.  Those feelings weren’t true.    I’ve been learning more and more that while it’s not always obvious to me there are always ways that I can be useful to others.  Yesterday was a reminder of that. 

I woke up to the news that there was some flooding at my mom’s house.  While houses that are partially underground are wonderful for heating and cooling bills when the power goes out stopping sump pumps from running and the rain comes down and the snow melts the house takes on water fast.  I’m not a mechanic, I’m not a handyman and I don’t know a whole lot about home maintenance, but I do know water doesn’t belong on the living room floor.  So I went over to help, and thankfully a dear friend’s mechanically inclined husband came to help too.  Somehow we were able to get a generator out of the shed and running, thread the wire through an air vent, plug the house in and get the sump pumps going. With running sump pumps the water rapidly retreated back outside where it belonged.

Once the power came back on we were able to reset things back to normal.  Put the air intake pipe thingy (That’s a technical term) back together and do some clean-up.  I was also able to figure out how to start up a pump in another friend’s basement to clear out their water while they were out of town.  Who knew I could figure out how to use a water pump?  

By the end of it all I was tired out, but it was a good tired.  I am very thankful that houses don’t flood every day, but I am also thankful to know when they do, I can help.  I can move a generator, I can work a socket wrench and I have adorable rubber boots.

There are times in my life when I need help and that’s ok.  Needing help doesn’t mean that I’m useless it just means that I’m not invincible, none of us are.  Yesterday was a day I got to be Super Sarah and come to the rescue, but I can’t wear that cape all the time.  I am so thankful that in those moments when I’ve needed rescuing that the Lord has provided people to come to my aid.   He Himself saved me to be His own when I was against Him.

Christmas is a celebration of that salvation.  The King lays aside his glory, takes on the form of His people and sacrifices Himself to save His beloved children.  Holding Jesus in his arms Simeon declares “Mine eyes have seen Your salvation.  .   .”  Some days I get to do the rescuing, to help, to encourage, to bring joy, but every day I need a Savior because while I am never useless I am also never self-sufficient and for both of those truths I am abundantly thankful.

Hoarders

Have you ever watched the show Hoarders?  I used to watch it on occasion because it made me feel better about my clutter, yeah its bad, but I don't have towers of old newspapers and rooms full of creepy dolls.  In starting to prepare to move back into my mom's house and weed through all the clutter in order to cut back a bit I think I have a glimpse of how Hoarders get to where they are.  It's hard to get rid of stuff sometimes.

I find myself attaching sentimental value to the most ridiculous things.  For example I wore this t-shirt to this place 12 years ago and yes it has coffee stains and it doesn't fit and I will of course never wear it again.  .   . but I can't possibly throw it away because I've had it for 12 years and it's an important artifact in the history of Sarah.  Oh and this mentality seems to extend not just to t-shirts, but stuffed animals, dollar store toys,  books,  assorted knick knacks, blankets, a balloon pump and much, much more. 

Give me twenty more years and I'm sure I would have narrow pathways through all the junk that I cannot fathom throwing away.  Thankfully I don't have 20 years to continue collecting,  I have 3 months to pare down a 5 room apartment to fit into a single bedroom.  It's officially time to quit being a Junk Junkie!! 

When push comes to shove stuff isn't important,  what is important to me are the things the stuff reminds me of.  The people who showed me their love with special gifts, the big events that changed me in dramatic ways, the moments that etched themselves in my heart forever.  There are some things I will never willingly get rid of because in the instant I look at them they bring reminders of times and people I need to be reminded of.  However there are many things that I just need to let go because letting the stuff go doesn't mean I'm throwing away those people or those times.  All it means is that I'm not clinging to material things for security, or comfort, that type of comfort isn't real.  Having lot of stuff isn't what keeps me safe.

So keep an eye out for Craigslist listings, extra garbage bags in my dumpster, clothing headed of to charity and maybe some Christmas gifts that look a bit too familiar.  Of course if you know of anything you want at my house I'm open for offers and am even willing to send things free to a good home. Feel free to come over and browse.   Just keep your paws off my cat!!

Singled Out

I’m a single 32 ½ years old woman who sometimes feels like throwing the TV through the window when she hears the all too familiar “Every kiss begins with Kay” jingle.  Around Christmas time being single can be more of a struggle than normal.   Everything from seating at parties, to couples holding hands in the mall, to laughing children excited about the bright lights hanging everywhere is a potential trigger for that sinking feeling that sometimes comes along with being single in what too often feels like an ocean of couples and families. 

The other night an unexpected reminder popped into view.   I had a momentary lapse into letting that feeling, the self-pity, and the pain of wanting, take over my thoughts.  I started to forget the joy and freedom I’ve had so far on this new journey.  However I have absolutely no intention of going down that path, there will be no drowning of sorrows with ice cream, and no pity party of one reservations at my dinner table.   Instead I am drawing up a battle plan and declaring war against these thoughts that come with the intent of stealing my joy.

The question then is how do I battle against thoughts?  Should I stop wanting marriage and kids?  I don’t think so.  Those are good desires to have and working to become the type of woman who would be a good wife and mother has helped me grow in other areas of my life.   If the answer is not to give up the longing then what is it? 

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 says “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing EVERY THOUGHT INTO CAPTIVITY to the obedience of Christ” Every thought can be brought into captivity, every thought can be forced into obedience!!  Even the thoughts that catch me off guard, even the thoughts that fill my eyes with tears, even the thoughts that urge me to become angry or envious, none of these thoughts is strong enough to stand against the weapons that the Lord provides me as His child.

One such weapon He has provided is the ability to see singleness as a gift from Him and accept it with thankfulness.  While there are struggles I face that are particular to being single there are also wonderful blessings that are a part of this time. I’ve spent some time thinking about what a few of those blessings are and thought I would share them here.  I have a few single friend around that might need the reminder and a few married friends that might be willing to remind me if I need it.  Here’s a bit of my list.

1.   The ability to say yes to things- without kids and a husband to care for I am able to say yes to a lot more things.  Things like ministry opportunities,  extra time with friends etc.

2.   Freedom-  I have the opportunity to take time to figure out what to do next without being tied down to one area or the financial responsibilities that come with children

3.   Sharing other people’s kids- While I would love to be a mother and have my own kids there is something incredibly special about being Miss Sarah (or Tia Sahrita as my one dear little friend says) I get to be a part of a lot of families and love on a lot of different kids more fully than I would if I had to focus on my own.  I’ve been a counselor, a coach, an adopted aunt, a teacher and a friend to many children and young people over the years.  I am so thankful for the opportunities the Lord has given me to be a part of their lives and come alongside their parents as a help.  Also you can buy presents with much more liberty as an auntie than you ever should as a parent.  I love shopping for these kiddos!!

4.   Time- I have more time than most wives an mother’s.  Time that it is sometimes easy to waste, but is often an asset I can use to focus on the things of the Lord,  to rest and prepare for the next adventure, to do things that I love and enjoy.  Having time that is unclaimed by the wants and needs of another person is a blessing.

5.   Grocery shopping is so much better without kids!- I love grocery shopping and most mothers I know despise the task.  I can walk into a grocery store without concern for little hands grabbing shiny things from shelves, without thinking “What would my husband want for dinner?  What will the kids willingly eat”  I can wander through the aisles without a car in the world and never have to share my dark chocolate pomegranate seeds.                                                                        

The list is longer than this, but it’s a start I’m sure it is one that many of you can add to.  At the end of the day being content with whatever state I am in is something that can and should be done, but to do it takes focus.  It is a decision to turn my eye from the blemishes that seem to mar the landscape that is life and turn my eye instead toward the beauty.  Both are always there ready and waiting to be seen.

The Trustworthy Author

Well I put in my first job application.  .  . and now begins the wait!  I have never been a good waiter, not only do I spill drinks on the customers but.    .   . ha ha not that kind of waiter! (Sorry bad puns are hard to resist) I'm ok at waiting in lines at stores, I'm easily distracted by magazines, gum and shiny candy wrappers, but when it comes to waiting for major life events I struggle.  I want to know what my plans are.  I want to know what is going to happen.  I want to know when its going to happen.  The trouble is life doesn't work that way.  There are some things in life where the timeframe and the actual events are hidden from view. 

It's horrible to admit this out loud, but I was the kid who looked ahead at the last chapter of a book to make sure I was ok with the ending before I could commit to reading the chapters in between.  Now as an adult I want so often to do that with the story of my own life.  To look 10 or 15 years down the road and see what happened, how everything that is so unfinished now works out. 

I no longer skip to the last chapter of books because I learned along the way that the stories themselves are worth the risk.  Getting to know characters in a book and walk with them through whatever struggles they face is worth the chance that I may not like the ending. Meeting the turns in plot with them is more thrilling when I haven't stolen a glimpse at the ending too soon. I've learned to trust adept authors to weave a wonderful story.  (Ok sometimes I still check endings if it's not an author I trust yet, but I try not too!!)

In the book of Hebrews Christ is called the Author and Finisher of our faith.  If there has ever been an Author that could be trusted it is the Lord.  As much as I want to skip ahead and find out what is in store for the next chapter of my life I also want to trust Him line by line, page by page to write a beautiful story.  So in this page I wait for a response on this first application (of what may be many) and as I wait I learn moment my moment to simply trust Him.