Acquainted with Grief- Whirlwind Week part 4

After all the craziness of moving came Sunday.  I love Sundays.  I’ve always loved Sundays for as long as I can remember.  To me Sundays are like a glimpse of heaven.  A day set aside for worship, a pastor preaching from the very word of God, singing glorious words in harmony with God’s people, fellowshipping together.  With a crazy Saturday and all the busyness of the move and all the changes I needed Sunday and I wasn’t completely ready for it.  Are we ever really ready to meet with God? 

I’m an emotional person and it ended up being an emotional day.  In choir we were practicing a song I have sung many, many times before called “Behold the Man.” We’re preparing it for the Good Friday service at church and really it’s not a song I ever thought would make me want to weep.  This time however singing it a line struck me in a way it had never before.  It was a quote from Isaiah 53:3 “. . . Man of Sorrows, acquainted with grief” As I sang those words I could feel that lump forming in my throat.   To think of Christ, the perfect sinless son of God who deserved to be worshipped and adored, being the Man of Sorrows who knew grief intimately. 

The thought struck me so directly because with all the joys of the changes in my life right now and really over the past few years there have been sorrows too.  There has been grief that’s real and deep and hard. There were moments during the move that I wanted to cry because there were some really wonderful times in the apartment and leaving those behind was a struggle, and even though I am thrilled with the blessings that come with moving back home I had different expectations for the course my life would take.  I firmly believe God is in control in my life and has planned the days ahead of me.  Yet there is grief caused by “hopes deferred”

Well after those thoughts flooded in, a couple other things came up as rehearsal continued and I eventually had to step out for a few minutes and lay on a floor and weep and talk to my God.  It was so sweet to know I was talking to my God who is acquainted with sorrows, He knows what grief is, He knows that in the midst of this world wrecked by sin sometimes we long just to be in His arms, just to crawl into His lap and tell Him what our heart desires are, to beg Him for strength to face the day, for forgiveness for all the times we fail, for grace that’s sufficient in our weakness.

It wasn’t a long time of grief, and the Lord gave joy and laughter quickly.  I mean really how many people over the age of five end up sobbing on the floor in church?  Of course there were moments that followed of laughter at that ridiculousness.  I mean really I’m 32 shouldn’t I wait to get home and cry on my own floor? However there is a time to laugh and a time to weep.  I am thankful that have a God who understands my tears, who holds them in a bottle, who lets me call Him Abba, who knew grief Himself so I could know His joy.

Whirlwind Week Part 3: The Journey of Phibo

Ok so if you don’t care about adorable orange cats this may be a post you want to skip.  At the risk of being seen as a Crazy Cat Lady I’m going to take an entire post just to talk about moving Mephibosheth (Sounds more respectable to use his full name right?) to his new home.  If this is your first time reading this Blog I swear I don’t post about cats all the time, read the other entries if you’re concerned about my sanity J

Well after my mom and I came to the decision to move Phibo we drove over to my apartment.  The cat had been a bit traumatized by people coming in and taking all his stuff.  During the morning move he would hide behind something and then someone would move whatever he was hiding behind and he would run and hide somewhere else until that object was moved.  It was a vicious cycle.  When we arrived to pick him up Phib was lying pathetically in the middle of the living room floor, obviously stunned by the moving process.

I picked him up and mercilessly shoved him into the cat carrier and locked the door, the white tips of his paws reaching desperately through the bars of this tiny cage.   .    . Sound a bit dramatic?  Did I mention the helpless cries that fell on seemingly deaf ears?  In reality I felt terrible and when we got out to the car and he cried the entire way home (Not the annoying cat cry most cats do but His patented “Don’t you love me anymore?” cry) Ugh and when he tried to stick him tiny nose out the air holes just awful.

After that ordeal we get in the house and at the point I was with stacking there was really only enough floor space in my room for his litter box, food and water and a path for me to walk to a chair I had setup.  When the cage was open Phib bolted into the stacks skillfully maneuvering to the far reaches of the piles so that he could not be recaptured and put back into solitary confinement.  I thought he might hate me forever.

However, Phib is easily one of the most social cats I have ever met and after maybe an hour in hiding, he ventured out of his sanctuary and let me pet him and sat with me on the chair.  There are other cats and dogs who live here so the plan has been to slowly introduce them.  This meant that first night he was on his own.  I have since arranged things so he has plenty of room on the floor and still has some stacked boxes to perch on.  It’s kind of creepy to walk in at night and have glowing yellow eyes staring at you from eight feet up.  He hasn’t made any new  friends yet, the little dog likes to hang out in the room, and Phib no longer hisses at her or puffs up to 3 times his normal size so I guess that’s progress.  All in all for a cat that had lived his whole life in one place with only one human to interact with I think he’s doing exceedingly well.  I’m pretty sure he’s gained about a pound stress eating but hey who wouldn’t stress eat after all that?

Whirlwind Week Part 2

After the crew left on moving day there was still a few things to finish, stuff that I really wanted to just do myself so I could organize the stacks a bit more as I went. My sister came home and announced that she would help if we went to FroYo after for Blue4Ben.  Of course I wanted FroYo  and FroYo with proceeds going to a good cause is even better.  We worked for a little while and then went out.

I’m certain at this point that anyone reading this in Buffalo knows what Blue4Ben is, but for you out of towners I’ll explain a bit.  This is from Ben’s mom’s Blog called  "Pray for Ben Sauer: A little Boy waiting on a miracle"

“Ben is an active four-year-old who loves playing in the backyard finding snakes, frogs and worms. He builds forts, plays with sticks and likes to shoot his brother with dart guns. As a twin, we always dressed Ben in blue so others could tell him apart from his identical twin brother Jack. And now, Benis waiting on  a miracle.”

Ben was diagnosed with a rare cancerous brain tumor and his family is asking God to heal Ben.  They’re also asking everyone else to ask God to heal Ben.  Blue4Ben has been the community’s response.  There have been entire schools dressed in Blue to show they’re praying for Ben, businesses have had Blue4Ben days to help offer financial support, the Peace Bridge (an international bridge to Canada) lights were all turned on Blue.   Everyone here knows about Ben.  We pray for Ben at youth group each week.  Asking God to heal Ben.  His mother has been writing about their journey and it has been encouraging to see her faith and testimony of God’s goodness in the midst of such a hard time.  She’s shared the sorrows and joys of watching her little boy struggle with this cancer.  If you’re reading about this for the first time please pray for Ben and his family!!

Well FroYo went Blue4Ben and my sister and I had blue sprinkles on top of some super delicious frozen yogurt.  It was definitely the right call after a hard day’s work.  You don’t get much better than frozen yogurt topped with blackberries, hot Nutella fudge, almonds and of course Blue sprinkles.  Now the day could’ve ended there, but suddenly I now had an empty apartment with a small orange cat, all alone, with no furniture.

I had not planned on moving Phib (Short for Mephibosheth) that day, because I hadn’t really planned on moving all the furniture that day.  Well my sister and I went back home.  My mom had arrived and we discussed the Phib dilemma, see she has other cats and a couple dogs so I was a little leery of introducing Phib to a new home with new “friends”, but we came to the conclusion that it had to be done.  .  . Next time we’ll continue this story with the Journey of Phibo.

Whirlwind Week Part 1

Well it’s been a crazy week and a half and it may take more than one post to sum everything up.  .   . In fact lets plan on this being part 1 so I don’t write a massive novella  that no one will ever have the time to read.  And so begins Whirlwind Week (and a half) Part 1.  .   .

Last Saturday was officially Moving Day!!  I rented a 14 ft. U-Haul and drove it to the apartment around 8:30 AM (Side note I love driving trucks!!) When I got back I started loading up some boxes, it was a gray rainy day and the task looked a little daunting until help showed up!!  I was so thankful to have some dear friends come over and move all my random stuff onto the truck. One of them even brought COFFEE!!  I may be a Superhero, but I am not stronger than a locomotive and cannot even move a Queen sized mattress by myself so having some big, strong men swoop in and move all the heavy stuff was an awesome blessing.  On top of that there were enough girls there too that all the little things made their way to the truck in record time.  My 67 boxes were out the door in about 15 minutes flat.  .   . It was a whirlwind. 

The truck was completely loaded by 10:30.  I was shocked.  In all my lack of moving wisdom I expected the loading process to go for hours and hours maybe days or weeks, but the apartment was so easily emptied.  It was overwhelming in all the best ways.  There were a few moments when I just wanted to lay on the floor and cry not because I was sad at all but because I was blown away by the love people were showing for me in doing this job and I was shocked by the reality of changes I had known were coming. I did not lay on the floor and cry that day because it was not the time for it, it was a time to buckle down and get the work done and we really did.

The unloading process took even less time.  Seeing my room at home (I’ve never stopped calling my mom’s house home which is just more confirmation that its where I belong) filled with boxes and furniture was crazy too.  Putting an apartment full of things into a single room, makes that room seem pretty small.  The change in space is going to be an adjustment but everything really did fit!! The great thing about home is that there are 11 ft. ceilings which meant as I organized the stacks could go higher.  I have floor space now after a few restacking sessions.   It’ll take more time to actually unpack it all.  In reality I may never completely unpack all those boxes, but they are all in the house and I am thrilled!!

After the moving that I needed the most help for was done the friends who had helped took time to pray for me in this new stage of life.  Thanking God for the work He has done in me and through me and praying that He will continue to bless me.  It is sweet to be prayed for.  To have people go to God on your behalf knowing that God is faithful to hear the prayers of His people.  The ministry of that prayer was immediate in my heart and was such an encouragement.   

There were so many thoughts swirling around in my head that day, but the one that prevailed was thankfulness.  I was thankful for God’s provision of help and thankful for all that God has done to make these changes in my life possible.  Really how many people get to do what I’m doing?  I have had the opportunity to put the brakes on my life and turn down a different course.  On top of that because of this move home I don’t have the pressures to know what that course in exactly.  I’m able to look at options, to try new things, to listen to counsel from people who know me and know more about what’s out there.   I am extremely thankful for this opportunity.   I’m praying that God will help me use it well and not waste this time, but give me wisdom to know how best to glorify Him in it. 

There’s more to the story and more excitement to share, but for that you will have to wait until Whirlwind Week Part 2 coming soon to a Computer Screen (Or Tablet, or phone) near you!!

So What do you do????

I really don’t like small talk. This isn’t new I’ve always strived to avoid it as much as I can.  It is rare when I will actually talk to someone at all before I can see where the common ground is so that I can skip past the generic small talk phase of a relationship.  One thing about small talk that I’ve realized recently is that one of the earliest questions people ask is “So what do you do?”  I don’t think I ever noticed before because I always had an easy answer.  Growing up I was a student, for a while after graduation I was a nanny, and after that I was a car insurance agent.  Now my answer to this question has become “Well I .   .   . um, so I was, .  .  . but now I might.   .   . but then after that I don’t know.  .  . so um well yeah”

Ha, ha I’ve never loved small talk, and have always been a little awkward with it, but I don’t say “Um” I’m quick to answer, often too quick.   However, now a question that inevitably comes up with in the first few minutes of meeting a new person or reconnecting with an old acquaintance has become one that I cannot easily answer. 

I still am adept at avoiding small talk so it doesn’t come up terrible often, but I’m starting to think that maybe rather than avoiding the questions I may be able to use this question to tear past small talk.  My answer to this question does not fit into the normal small talk category during this phase of life.  Someday I might have a simple answer again, but at least now during this time of change I do not have an easy answer.  Yet I do have an answer. 

It’s a better answer than any I have ever had before

“So what do you do?” 

“Well I’ve taken a path that isn’t completely clear because I’m seeking the Lord’s will for my life.  I recently quit a job in corporate America because I knew it wasn’t what I was called to do, and I realized there had to be more out there.  I’ll be working at a Christian summer camp starting at the end of May with either their Day Camp or Counselor in training program (Waiting to hear which one) and after that I don’t know.  I’m learning to be ok with not knowing because the Lord is teaching me to trust Him for the future.”

Suddenly a question that has been thrown into the realm of small talk on par with “How’s the weather out there?” or “What’s your name?” is a question that I can answer, not with a title that tells someone nothing about who I am, but with a testimony of the Lord’s work in my life.   Who knows maybe figuring this out will help me get over my hatred of small talk? 

Looking on Love

I’ve sat down to write this entry four or five times already and left it without an idea of where to even begin.  After more thought I decided to try again because the thoughts I want to write about are ones that have been going through my head over the last few weeks and I’ve been learning.  The lessons  still are not completely learned, but the Lord has been at work in my heart and mind so incomplete as it all is I still wanted to share. 

I think it all comes down to two questions first “Have you ever not known the best way to love someone?” Second “Have you ever wanted to be loved differently?”  I’ve been learning that love is a hard thing sometimes, and also that receiving love can be a hard thing too. 

I am not a naturally loving person.  By nature I am selfish.  Therefore love has been something I’ve needed to learn how to do.  I want to love because that’s what the Lord commands.  There is also a sweetness in loving someone well that’s hard to express.  There are times though when I don’t know how to show that love.  A dear friend of mine was faced with a struggle that I had never met before, something that I didn’t have any idea how to help with.  I didn’t know what words to say, I didn’t know if there was something I should do.  .   . I was lost as to how to love her well as she walked though this time.  I was reminded in that, that the Lord knows how to love her best.  So I asked Him to do that and in watching the way she has been walking through this time I believe He is loving her well, providing people who do know the right this to say, providing the promises and hope in His word, providing small joys in the day to day and wisdom to think properly.  I’m thankful for the times when I can’t love well the Lord fills those gaps.  I’m also thankful for the reminder that He is the source of love and that I am only a channel for that love to come through.  There are times when He will use me to show His love, but for those times when I am not the channel He has chosen I can be confident that He will still pour out His love on His people in His way.

I am also not naturally an easy person to love.  By nature I am selfish.  Therefore I want to dictate how other people love me.  Crazy thing happened I somehow pulled a muscle in my chest, or something.  . . Well so last Sunday night I started having crazy muscle spasms, but I didn’t know they were muscle spasms, really it just felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest over and over and over again.  I was in a ton of pain and didn’t know what was causing it.  What would be the loving thing for people to do?  I haven’t had the best experience with doctors over the years so calling the paramedics was not on my list of what would be loving.  .  . But that’s what happened.  I was honestly a little annoyed.   .  . but seriously if a person is having severe chest pains then calling 911 is the loving thing to do. 

I figured out later in the week that I was stupid for not recognizing that.  Yet in thinking about that more extreme scenario I realized that I do stuff like that a lot.  I decide what I think love should look like and when it looks different than what I want I get annoyed, or frustrated, or lonely, or even scared because I don’t feel loved.  It happens in my relationships with other people, and I’ve been focusing this week especially on letting go of my expectations.  Instead of setting out hoops for people who love me to jump through I’m focusing on being thankful for the wonderful little things they do.   It’s a lot easier to love someone when there’s not a specific target to hit, not a specific love language you have to become fluent in and I want to be someone who is easy to love.  I want to be someone who recognizes love and doesn’t fight it.

More importantly though I realized through a sermon today that I often want to choose how God loves me too.  The preacher talked about this as this sin of testing God.  He walked through the story of the Israelites.  God loved them, freeing them from slavery in Egypt, but they had expectations for what His love should look like.  They didn’t expect that the love of God would bring them to the edge of the Red Sea and allow the Egyptian Army to corner them there and they complained against God.  However God in His love brought them there to part the Red Sea, to show His power again.  He brought them there to save them in a way that was beyond anything they could imagine.  They didn’t expect that God in love would allow them to face thirst and hunger and they complained and told Him they would rather be by the pots of meat in Egypt.  However God in His love allowed them to hunger and thirst so He could fill them with sweet water and heavenly manna.  Over and over again they complained about how God was loving them, they longed for slavery in Egypt because they didn’t recognize God’s love.  His love didn’t look like love to them and when they reached the border of the land He promised them the refused to go in because they didn’t understand that God loved them enough to defeat the giants of that land.  They spent forty years wandering in the wilderness because they tested the Lord by not believing He loved them and instead complained against Him. 

I do that too.

Oh so often I decide what God’s love should look like in my life.  Of course I would never include the trials that allow Him to demonstrate His faithfulness.  I would never include times of waiting that teach me patience and trust.  I would never include losses, which allow Him to be my peace and comfort.  I would only include things that make me feel warm and fuzzy.  His way is better; His love is the love of a father who knows what lessons I need to learn.  His love is higher and deeper and more wonderful than anything I can imagine.  And I know that, but so often I complain, I’m discontent and I feel alone because I don’t recognize His love. I don’t want to test Him.  I don’t want to sin in not believing all the promises He gives about His love for me.  I want to be someone who recognizes His love as a love that will not let me go and is ever present in my life.  I want to live in awe that the God of the Universe chose to love me.  I want to give up my expectations and trust that He loves me more and better than anything I could ever dream.  I’ve asked His forgiveness for the times when I have tested Him and complained about the way He loves me.  Hopeful that He will replace those complaints with a heart that revels in His abundant, surprising, perfect love.

Go Panthers!!!

Alright so yesterday I rode down with the Amherst Christian Academy Girls’ basketball team to their State Championship Tournament.  This is a completely new experience for me.  Before this year my only contact with basketball was my 8^th Grade modified team where I was adept at stealing, but had no idea how to get that ball anywhere near a basket, and a few watched games in which I had no idea if I should yell “Touch Down!!” or not.  This year I spent some time crashing practice and learning some of the basics and then keeping track of the scorebook.  I still can’t always tell why the refs are calling fouls, but I do know a few things about what basketball should look like.  More importantly than that I’ve been able to see these girls grow, not only in their basketball skills, but grow together as a team.

Last night they play the top ranked team in the Tournament and while they didn’t win that game they also didn’t allow that team to bulldoze over them.  They pulled down rebounds away from girls who had significant height advantages, they hit shots I had never seen them hit in a game before, they passed to each other with intent and they stayed in the game.  It was sweet to watch things that I know they have been working hard to do come together.  It wasn’t a perfect game and they still have areas to grow in, but there were moments when they played beyond anything I expected.

Tonight they play against a team that is not the highest ranked in the tournament and there is hope that they may win.  It was clear today as they practiced cheers in the hotel parking lot that they are incredibly excited.   Though I have not been screaming my head off and sit now typing quietly in the lobby, sipping endless hotel coffee I’m excited too.  I’m hoping they play today like they played last night.  As a team.  I’m hoping today they play remembering that this game isn’t about one star it’s about working together.  It’s about remembering all the things their coach has asked of them in practice and applying it.

I have been so thankful to get to know these girls over the past couple years through volleyball and now basketball.  I have been thankful to see the relationships they have built with each other, thankful to see their growth in the skills they need to play this game, thankful for the awesome attitudes they have shown throughout the season, thankful that they are more and more seeking God’s glory in everything they do and thankful that win or lose they have learned to do it as a team.