Jesus Loves me this I know

It's been quite a while since I've sat down at the computer (with mug of coffee in hand) for the purpose of writing in this Blog.  It wasn't because of lack of material because much has happened over June, July and August.

I spent a couple months at camp, was challenged in ways that surprised me, made some friends I came to love dearly and learned some things about myself and my God that have changed everything.

I came back home and have been reconnecting with life here.  Spending time with family, and friends who are family.  Learning the new rhythm of days that aren't as full.  Coaching volleyball again (Man I love that) and preparing to teach gym (Who would have ever expected I'd be a gym teacher??)  Discovering where I fit into the body of Christ here and living in it better.

The most important thing I've learned about myself this summer was that many times I flat out don't believe that God loves me.  That is hard to write.  It was even harder to learn that about myself.  I've talked so much of God's Love, known so much about it, been in awe of its greatness, but somehow missed the reality of it.  It was hard to confess to the Lord that I have not been fully trusting His promises,  that I have not been clinging to the truth of His Word,  that my heart has been so hard towards Him.  However I am thankful that He opened my eyes because repenting from that unbelief, turning hard towards a confidence in His love has been incredible.  Confessing that I haven't believed God's Love and begging Him to teach me to believe what He says about me has been freedom.

Promises like "Perfect love casts out fear" have moved of the page and into my heart.  I was so afraid for so long, of so many ridiculous things,  things that weren't even real, things that might happen, but probably wouldn't.  Now I still have moments of fear but I'm quicker to turn to the reality of God's Love and if the Almighty God who made the Universe calls me His Beloved then of course I have nothing to fear.

I've also been learning a lot in the "How to believe God's Love" department.  That's where a lot of the change has been coming from because it wasn't like I didn't know about it, or didn't understand it, I just didn't believe it.  I didn't believe it was possible for someone who knew me fully (and I did firmly believe God knew me fully) to love me.

First the how to has meant really understanding that my identity comes not from what I do but from who I am in Him.  The things I do flow out from who I am, they don't define me. I struggle with this like crazy because I am a doer and that's not always a bad thing, but its so easy for me to do and do and do and just never stop to rest and abide in the Lord and sit at His feet and wonder at who He is and meditate on all that He says about who I am. Thankfully I am in a season of life right now where time to abide is easy to come by and learning the importance of that now will help me guard that time as more things to do come into the schedule.

Second the how to has meant seeking more to live in community with other believers who can remind me of His love and who I can pour into as well.  Community is something I didn't know I was desperate for,  to the point that when it was readily available I relied on it too much and it's not enough on its own.  However, it is really important to be a part of a family.  Intentionally building those relationships with brothers and sisters in Christ is a tremendous encouragement.  I need the accountability of people who know my struggles and can push me to go the right way, who can speak wisdom into my life, who can ask me the hard questions.  I also need people that I can come alongside and help bear their burdens.

I'm still figuring out what all this looks like in the day to day.

Roller Coaster Ride

I tried very hard not to have many expectations going into camp.  Really because having expectations that aren’t met has been something that I’ve struggled with over the past few years.  Somewhere in Proverbs its says the hope deferred makes the heart sick and hoping for things that are part of my own vision of what “should” be often does that.  It has made me anxious and terrified and angry and lonely.  So one of my goals with camp was to avoid those expectations getting in the way of whatever camp reality looked like.

Boy am I glad I didn’t try to figure out what it would be like before I got here.  Already it has been one new, unexpected thing after another.  A new bed to learn to fall asleep in (New white noise and all), new people from different places and different points in life, new tasks (I finally know how to fold a sweatshirt!!!)  So much newness in every aspect of life and the kids haven’t even arrived yet.

It’s felt like a roller coaster ride for much of the ten days that I’ve been here.  There has been the thrilling joy of friendship and of being useful in work in a way that I haven’t been for a long time.  There has been the heart racing trips uphill wondering if I’m doing things the way they should be done, wondering if my mouth is open more than it should be, if I’m to open or not open enough.  Also there’s the spinning, upside down awesomeness of laughter and conversation and diving headfirst into the Word and service. 

Sometimes it’s hard to catch my breath.  Sometimes it’s tempting to feel like the work ahead is too big and beyond what I can do.  The truth is, it is beyond what I can do.  It is beyond what any of these amazing people that I’m growing to love can do.  However, it is not too big for my God to do.  He is strong enough to encourage us in our weariness, to be our strength when we have none, to work in the hearts and minds of all the young people that will cross the threshold of this camp.   The campers start to roll in tomorrow and I absolutely cannot wait to see how the Lord will work in them and in me too.  I don’t have expectations for what He will do because my expectations are never big enough, His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways.  My ways would never have brought me here and I need to be here. 

If you think of it pray for our campers, my fellow staff and for me too!!

Marvelous are His Works

Well it has been almost a full week here at Camp Otyokwah (Where friend meets friend J )  The week has often been like drinking from a fire hose.  Incredible amounts of training, learning all the ins and outs of camp life,  a room shared with 7 other girls I’ve never met before, more concentrated time in the Word than I’ve had in ages and diving Head first into community with strangers.  

There have been moments this week when I’ve felt completely overwhelmed and out of place, but those moments have been more and more fleeting.  Breathing in the fresh, pine filled air in a place where I’ve seen the Lord work before has helped me start to settle in here.  To dwell here. 

I have been amazed over and over again at how much the LORD had been working in me already.   I was so nervous about meeting everyone and He has made our common ground in Christ so clear to me.  I’ve already heard incredible testimonies of God’s work in the lives of my fellow staff members and I am so thankful that even though we have walked different paths to get here we have walked those roads with the same guide.  I’m still learning how I fit into this community, but there is a community being built, deeper than I expected. 

This week we’ve fellowshipped over meals (and Cheese-its!!), over the Word, over random song breaks, over games and Walmart runs, over paint scrapping and knot tying learning along the way to speak with the language of love.  I am not fluent yet, but I’m hoping to learn how to love these brothers and sisters better and be family to them in this far off land of Ohio. 

We have more training and planning at the beginning of next week , but come Thursday our first campers roll in.  First and Second graders J  I’m  excited to see what comes next in this adventure!  God has been etching the truth that His works are marvelous and that He will be faithful to complete all that He has begun in my life.  It amazing to think that the God who designed the incredible creation I’ve been enjoying so much this week, the towering trees, the rolling hills, the vast ocean of stars it’s that God who calls me His.  It’s that masterful artist who’s working in my heart, who is crafting me.   I don’t know all that’s ahead in this,  I don’t know all the reasons God has me here, but marvelous are His work (whatever they may be) and that my soul knows very well.

Count Down ONE WEEK LEFT!!!!!

Well it’s hard to believe that I’ll be leaving in exactly one week for CAMP!!!  How cool is that?  Looking at all that’s happened in the last few months I am amazed by the grace of God in my life.  For a long time I was too afraid to trust Him.  I valued the security of a full time job, a regular pay check, health insurance, a retirement fund more than the security in walking by faith.   I valued my own ways and plans more than His ways and plans.  And I was miserable.  I was miserable not just because I hated the job, but because I wasn’t living for His glory.  I wasn’t using the gifts He has given me to honor Him. 

I still don’t know what my life lived for Him will look like, and honestly there’s days when the not knowing scares me.  However,  I am learning ever so slowly but steadily the truths from God’s Word that promise His presence with Me, His faithfulness to me, His love for me and His grace’s sufficiency.

Joshua  1:9 “Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened, and  do not be dismayed , for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

1 Corinthians 1:9  “God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.”

Psalm 13:5 “But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.”

2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.”

Looking at the opportunity I’ll have over the next few weeks to encourage teens to grow in their relationships with the Lord.  To help the learn the joy that it is to serve Him.  I am humbled.  I am thankful.  I am totally through the roof excited to be even a small part in the Lord’s work. 

On a side note, I love getting mail!!  So for any of you who are inclined to send mail I thought it couldn’t hurt to give you the address.   .    . Just in case!!  I’m not sure yet how much access I’ll have to the outside world, I’m planning on embracing all of the camp limitations on technology to make sure I’m 100% there.   So I’m certain mail will be an extra special blessing.

Camp Otyokwah

Sarah Comfort

3380 Tugend Road

Butler, OH 44822

The Road Less Traveled

I’ve known for quite a while now that I’d be working at Camp Otyokwah this summer.  I decided to wait until I knew what my official position was before making a blog announcement.  Well on Sunday I found out I’ll be working with their Counselor in Training Program.  Basically I’ll be working with high schoolers to help them prepare to minister to some of the younger campers and mentor them as they’re working. I don’t know all the details of what the job will look like day to day, but I do know I’ll have the opportunity to be in God’s Word with these young people and have the chance to pour into their lives as they’re trained to serve the Lord in camp ministry.

Having grown up going to camp I count it a privilege to be involved in Camp ministry this summer.  Looking back at my time as a camper I am amazed at how God used those weeks to work mightily in my life.  There is something incredible about a time that is set apart.  A time away from the many distractions of day to day life.  A time in the midst of God’s wondrous creation.  A time saturated with the study of His living Word.  A time when His praises ring through the air.  A time when brothers and sisters come together to focus on their heavenly Father.

I am humbled that He has opened up the doors to allow me to serve Him in a ministry that He has used so much in my life.  I don’t know what all God has in store for my future.  There are still days when I want desperately to look ahead into the days He has planned.  Right now in this moment I am simply thankful for this next glimpse.  Leaving my job I wanted more than anything to be able to spend my time doing something that was useful to Him, not just working at a job that paid the bill and gave me some false feeling of security.  I am grateful for the chance to encourage, teach and love on these young people as they focus on serving the Lord. 

This road is a different one than the one I had envisioned myself on.  It’s not the road I would have expected to travel, but it is one that God has blessed and prepared before me.  So if you think of it pray for me.  Pray I’ll honor Him in everything I do.  Pray for the young people I’ll be working with that the Holy Spirit will be at work in them.  Pray that I’ll trust Him, that I won’t long for another road so much that I miss the joys of the road He has lovingly prepared for me. 

Acquainted with Grief- Whirlwind Week part 4

After all the craziness of moving came Sunday.  I love Sundays.  I’ve always loved Sundays for as long as I can remember.  To me Sundays are like a glimpse of heaven.  A day set aside for worship, a pastor preaching from the very word of God, singing glorious words in harmony with God’s people, fellowshipping together.  With a crazy Saturday and all the busyness of the move and all the changes I needed Sunday and I wasn’t completely ready for it.  Are we ever really ready to meet with God? 

I’m an emotional person and it ended up being an emotional day.  In choir we were practicing a song I have sung many, many times before called “Behold the Man.” We’re preparing it for the Good Friday service at church and really it’s not a song I ever thought would make me want to weep.  This time however singing it a line struck me in a way it had never before.  It was a quote from Isaiah 53:3 “. . . Man of Sorrows, acquainted with grief” As I sang those words I could feel that lump forming in my throat.   To think of Christ, the perfect sinless son of God who deserved to be worshipped and adored, being the Man of Sorrows who knew grief intimately. 

The thought struck me so directly because with all the joys of the changes in my life right now and really over the past few years there have been sorrows too.  There has been grief that’s real and deep and hard. There were moments during the move that I wanted to cry because there were some really wonderful times in the apartment and leaving those behind was a struggle, and even though I am thrilled with the blessings that come with moving back home I had different expectations for the course my life would take.  I firmly believe God is in control in my life and has planned the days ahead of me.  Yet there is grief caused by “hopes deferred”

Well after those thoughts flooded in, a couple other things came up as rehearsal continued and I eventually had to step out for a few minutes and lay on a floor and weep and talk to my God.  It was so sweet to know I was talking to my God who is acquainted with sorrows, He knows what grief is, He knows that in the midst of this world wrecked by sin sometimes we long just to be in His arms, just to crawl into His lap and tell Him what our heart desires are, to beg Him for strength to face the day, for forgiveness for all the times we fail, for grace that’s sufficient in our weakness.

It wasn’t a long time of grief, and the Lord gave joy and laughter quickly.  I mean really how many people over the age of five end up sobbing on the floor in church?  Of course there were moments that followed of laughter at that ridiculousness.  I mean really I’m 32 shouldn’t I wait to get home and cry on my own floor? However there is a time to laugh and a time to weep.  I am thankful that have a God who understands my tears, who holds them in a bottle, who lets me call Him Abba, who knew grief Himself so I could know His joy.

Whirlwind Week Part 3: The Journey of Phibo

Ok so if you don’t care about adorable orange cats this may be a post you want to skip.  At the risk of being seen as a Crazy Cat Lady I’m going to take an entire post just to talk about moving Mephibosheth (Sounds more respectable to use his full name right?) to his new home.  If this is your first time reading this Blog I swear I don’t post about cats all the time, read the other entries if you’re concerned about my sanity J

Well after my mom and I came to the decision to move Phibo we drove over to my apartment.  The cat had been a bit traumatized by people coming in and taking all his stuff.  During the morning move he would hide behind something and then someone would move whatever he was hiding behind and he would run and hide somewhere else until that object was moved.  It was a vicious cycle.  When we arrived to pick him up Phib was lying pathetically in the middle of the living room floor, obviously stunned by the moving process.

I picked him up and mercilessly shoved him into the cat carrier and locked the door, the white tips of his paws reaching desperately through the bars of this tiny cage.   .    . Sound a bit dramatic?  Did I mention the helpless cries that fell on seemingly deaf ears?  In reality I felt terrible and when we got out to the car and he cried the entire way home (Not the annoying cat cry most cats do but His patented “Don’t you love me anymore?” cry) Ugh and when he tried to stick him tiny nose out the air holes just awful.

After that ordeal we get in the house and at the point I was with stacking there was really only enough floor space in my room for his litter box, food and water and a path for me to walk to a chair I had setup.  When the cage was open Phib bolted into the stacks skillfully maneuvering to the far reaches of the piles so that he could not be recaptured and put back into solitary confinement.  I thought he might hate me forever.

However, Phib is easily one of the most social cats I have ever met and after maybe an hour in hiding, he ventured out of his sanctuary and let me pet him and sat with me on the chair.  There are other cats and dogs who live here so the plan has been to slowly introduce them.  This meant that first night he was on his own.  I have since arranged things so he has plenty of room on the floor and still has some stacked boxes to perch on.  It’s kind of creepy to walk in at night and have glowing yellow eyes staring at you from eight feet up.  He hasn’t made any new  friends yet, the little dog likes to hang out in the room, and Phib no longer hisses at her or puffs up to 3 times his normal size so I guess that’s progress.  All in all for a cat that had lived his whole life in one place with only one human to interact with I think he’s doing exceedingly well.  I’m pretty sure he’s gained about a pound stress eating but hey who wouldn’t stress eat after all that?