Looking on Love

I’ve sat down to write this entry four or five times already and left it without an idea of where to even begin.  After more thought I decided to try again because the thoughts I want to write about are ones that have been going through my head over the last few weeks and I’ve been learning.  The lessons  still are not completely learned, but the Lord has been at work in my heart and mind so incomplete as it all is I still wanted to share. 

I think it all comes down to two questions first “Have you ever not known the best way to love someone?” Second “Have you ever wanted to be loved differently?”  I’ve been learning that love is a hard thing sometimes, and also that receiving love can be a hard thing too. 

I am not a naturally loving person.  By nature I am selfish.  Therefore love has been something I’ve needed to learn how to do.  I want to love because that’s what the Lord commands.  There is also a sweetness in loving someone well that’s hard to express.  There are times though when I don’t know how to show that love.  A dear friend of mine was faced with a struggle that I had never met before, something that I didn’t have any idea how to help with.  I didn’t know what words to say, I didn’t know if there was something I should do.  .   . I was lost as to how to love her well as she walked though this time.  I was reminded in that, that the Lord knows how to love her best.  So I asked Him to do that and in watching the way she has been walking through this time I believe He is loving her well, providing people who do know the right this to say, providing the promises and hope in His word, providing small joys in the day to day and wisdom to think properly.  I’m thankful for the times when I can’t love well the Lord fills those gaps.  I’m also thankful for the reminder that He is the source of love and that I am only a channel for that love to come through.  There are times when He will use me to show His love, but for those times when I am not the channel He has chosen I can be confident that He will still pour out His love on His people in His way.

I am also not naturally an easy person to love.  By nature I am selfish.  Therefore I want to dictate how other people love me.  Crazy thing happened I somehow pulled a muscle in my chest, or something.  . . Well so last Sunday night I started having crazy muscle spasms, but I didn’t know they were muscle spasms, really it just felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest over and over and over again.  I was in a ton of pain and didn’t know what was causing it.  What would be the loving thing for people to do?  I haven’t had the best experience with doctors over the years so calling the paramedics was not on my list of what would be loving.  .  . But that’s what happened.  I was honestly a little annoyed.   .  . but seriously if a person is having severe chest pains then calling 911 is the loving thing to do. 

I figured out later in the week that I was stupid for not recognizing that.  Yet in thinking about that more extreme scenario I realized that I do stuff like that a lot.  I decide what I think love should look like and when it looks different than what I want I get annoyed, or frustrated, or lonely, or even scared because I don’t feel loved.  It happens in my relationships with other people, and I’ve been focusing this week especially on letting go of my expectations.  Instead of setting out hoops for people who love me to jump through I’m focusing on being thankful for the wonderful little things they do.   It’s a lot easier to love someone when there’s not a specific target to hit, not a specific love language you have to become fluent in and I want to be someone who is easy to love.  I want to be someone who recognizes love and doesn’t fight it.

More importantly though I realized through a sermon today that I often want to choose how God loves me too.  The preacher talked about this as this sin of testing God.  He walked through the story of the Israelites.  God loved them, freeing them from slavery in Egypt, but they had expectations for what His love should look like.  They didn’t expect that the love of God would bring them to the edge of the Red Sea and allow the Egyptian Army to corner them there and they complained against God.  However God in His love brought them there to part the Red Sea, to show His power again.  He brought them there to save them in a way that was beyond anything they could imagine.  They didn’t expect that God in love would allow them to face thirst and hunger and they complained and told Him they would rather be by the pots of meat in Egypt.  However God in His love allowed them to hunger and thirst so He could fill them with sweet water and heavenly manna.  Over and over again they complained about how God was loving them, they longed for slavery in Egypt because they didn’t recognize God’s love.  His love didn’t look like love to them and when they reached the border of the land He promised them the refused to go in because they didn’t understand that God loved them enough to defeat the giants of that land.  They spent forty years wandering in the wilderness because they tested the Lord by not believing He loved them and instead complained against Him. 

I do that too.

Oh so often I decide what God’s love should look like in my life.  Of course I would never include the trials that allow Him to demonstrate His faithfulness.  I would never include times of waiting that teach me patience and trust.  I would never include losses, which allow Him to be my peace and comfort.  I would only include things that make me feel warm and fuzzy.  His way is better; His love is the love of a father who knows what lessons I need to learn.  His love is higher and deeper and more wonderful than anything I can imagine.  And I know that, but so often I complain, I’m discontent and I feel alone because I don’t recognize His love. I don’t want to test Him.  I don’t want to sin in not believing all the promises He gives about His love for me.  I want to be someone who recognizes His love as a love that will not let me go and is ever present in my life.  I want to live in awe that the God of the Universe chose to love me.  I want to give up my expectations and trust that He loves me more and better than anything I could ever dream.  I’ve asked His forgiveness for the times when I have tested Him and complained about the way He loves me.  Hopeful that He will replace those complaints with a heart that revels in His abundant, surprising, perfect love.