So What do you do????

I really don’t like small talk. This isn’t new I’ve always strived to avoid it as much as I can.  It is rare when I will actually talk to someone at all before I can see where the common ground is so that I can skip past the generic small talk phase of a relationship.  One thing about small talk that I’ve realized recently is that one of the earliest questions people ask is “So what do you do?”  I don’t think I ever noticed before because I always had an easy answer.  Growing up I was a student, for a while after graduation I was a nanny, and after that I was a car insurance agent.  Now my answer to this question has become “Well I .   .   . um, so I was, .  .  . but now I might.   .   . but then after that I don’t know.  .  . so um well yeah”

Ha, ha I’ve never loved small talk, and have always been a little awkward with it, but I don’t say “Um” I’m quick to answer, often too quick.   However, now a question that inevitably comes up with in the first few minutes of meeting a new person or reconnecting with an old acquaintance has become one that I cannot easily answer. 

I still am adept at avoiding small talk so it doesn’t come up terrible often, but I’m starting to think that maybe rather than avoiding the questions I may be able to use this question to tear past small talk.  My answer to this question does not fit into the normal small talk category during this phase of life.  Someday I might have a simple answer again, but at least now during this time of change I do not have an easy answer.  Yet I do have an answer. 

It’s a better answer than any I have ever had before

“So what do you do?” 

“Well I’ve taken a path that isn’t completely clear because I’m seeking the Lord’s will for my life.  I recently quit a job in corporate America because I knew it wasn’t what I was called to do, and I realized there had to be more out there.  I’ll be working at a Christian summer camp starting at the end of May with either their Day Camp or Counselor in training program (Waiting to hear which one) and after that I don’t know.  I’m learning to be ok with not knowing because the Lord is teaching me to trust Him for the future.”

Suddenly a question that has been thrown into the realm of small talk on par with “How’s the weather out there?” or “What’s your name?” is a question that I can answer, not with a title that tells someone nothing about who I am, but with a testimony of the Lord’s work in my life.   Who knows maybe figuring this out will help me get over my hatred of small talk? 

Looking on Love

I’ve sat down to write this entry four or five times already and left it without an idea of where to even begin.  After more thought I decided to try again because the thoughts I want to write about are ones that have been going through my head over the last few weeks and I’ve been learning.  The lessons  still are not completely learned, but the Lord has been at work in my heart and mind so incomplete as it all is I still wanted to share. 

I think it all comes down to two questions first “Have you ever not known the best way to love someone?” Second “Have you ever wanted to be loved differently?”  I’ve been learning that love is a hard thing sometimes, and also that receiving love can be a hard thing too. 

I am not a naturally loving person.  By nature I am selfish.  Therefore love has been something I’ve needed to learn how to do.  I want to love because that’s what the Lord commands.  There is also a sweetness in loving someone well that’s hard to express.  There are times though when I don’t know how to show that love.  A dear friend of mine was faced with a struggle that I had never met before, something that I didn’t have any idea how to help with.  I didn’t know what words to say, I didn’t know if there was something I should do.  .   . I was lost as to how to love her well as she walked though this time.  I was reminded in that, that the Lord knows how to love her best.  So I asked Him to do that and in watching the way she has been walking through this time I believe He is loving her well, providing people who do know the right this to say, providing the promises and hope in His word, providing small joys in the day to day and wisdom to think properly.  I’m thankful for the times when I can’t love well the Lord fills those gaps.  I’m also thankful for the reminder that He is the source of love and that I am only a channel for that love to come through.  There are times when He will use me to show His love, but for those times when I am not the channel He has chosen I can be confident that He will still pour out His love on His people in His way.

I am also not naturally an easy person to love.  By nature I am selfish.  Therefore I want to dictate how other people love me.  Crazy thing happened I somehow pulled a muscle in my chest, or something.  . . Well so last Sunday night I started having crazy muscle spasms, but I didn’t know they were muscle spasms, really it just felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest over and over and over again.  I was in a ton of pain and didn’t know what was causing it.  What would be the loving thing for people to do?  I haven’t had the best experience with doctors over the years so calling the paramedics was not on my list of what would be loving.  .  . But that’s what happened.  I was honestly a little annoyed.   .  . but seriously if a person is having severe chest pains then calling 911 is the loving thing to do. 

I figured out later in the week that I was stupid for not recognizing that.  Yet in thinking about that more extreme scenario I realized that I do stuff like that a lot.  I decide what I think love should look like and when it looks different than what I want I get annoyed, or frustrated, or lonely, or even scared because I don’t feel loved.  It happens in my relationships with other people, and I’ve been focusing this week especially on letting go of my expectations.  Instead of setting out hoops for people who love me to jump through I’m focusing on being thankful for the wonderful little things they do.   It’s a lot easier to love someone when there’s not a specific target to hit, not a specific love language you have to become fluent in and I want to be someone who is easy to love.  I want to be someone who recognizes love and doesn’t fight it.

More importantly though I realized through a sermon today that I often want to choose how God loves me too.  The preacher talked about this as this sin of testing God.  He walked through the story of the Israelites.  God loved them, freeing them from slavery in Egypt, but they had expectations for what His love should look like.  They didn’t expect that the love of God would bring them to the edge of the Red Sea and allow the Egyptian Army to corner them there and they complained against God.  However God in His love brought them there to part the Red Sea, to show His power again.  He brought them there to save them in a way that was beyond anything they could imagine.  They didn’t expect that God in love would allow them to face thirst and hunger and they complained and told Him they would rather be by the pots of meat in Egypt.  However God in His love allowed them to hunger and thirst so He could fill them with sweet water and heavenly manna.  Over and over again they complained about how God was loving them, they longed for slavery in Egypt because they didn’t recognize God’s love.  His love didn’t look like love to them and when they reached the border of the land He promised them the refused to go in because they didn’t understand that God loved them enough to defeat the giants of that land.  They spent forty years wandering in the wilderness because they tested the Lord by not believing He loved them and instead complained against Him. 

I do that too.

Oh so often I decide what God’s love should look like in my life.  Of course I would never include the trials that allow Him to demonstrate His faithfulness.  I would never include times of waiting that teach me patience and trust.  I would never include losses, which allow Him to be my peace and comfort.  I would only include things that make me feel warm and fuzzy.  His way is better; His love is the love of a father who knows what lessons I need to learn.  His love is higher and deeper and more wonderful than anything I can imagine.  And I know that, but so often I complain, I’m discontent and I feel alone because I don’t recognize His love. I don’t want to test Him.  I don’t want to sin in not believing all the promises He gives about His love for me.  I want to be someone who recognizes His love as a love that will not let me go and is ever present in my life.  I want to live in awe that the God of the Universe chose to love me.  I want to give up my expectations and trust that He loves me more and better than anything I could ever dream.  I’ve asked His forgiveness for the times when I have tested Him and complained about the way He loves me.  Hopeful that He will replace those complaints with a heart that revels in His abundant, surprising, perfect love.

Go Panthers!!!

Alright so yesterday I rode down with the Amherst Christian Academy Girls’ basketball team to their State Championship Tournament.  This is a completely new experience for me.  Before this year my only contact with basketball was my 8^th Grade modified team where I was adept at stealing, but had no idea how to get that ball anywhere near a basket, and a few watched games in which I had no idea if I should yell “Touch Down!!” or not.  This year I spent some time crashing practice and learning some of the basics and then keeping track of the scorebook.  I still can’t always tell why the refs are calling fouls, but I do know a few things about what basketball should look like.  More importantly than that I’ve been able to see these girls grow, not only in their basketball skills, but grow together as a team.

Last night they play the top ranked team in the Tournament and while they didn’t win that game they also didn’t allow that team to bulldoze over them.  They pulled down rebounds away from girls who had significant height advantages, they hit shots I had never seen them hit in a game before, they passed to each other with intent and they stayed in the game.  It was sweet to watch things that I know they have been working hard to do come together.  It wasn’t a perfect game and they still have areas to grow in, but there were moments when they played beyond anything I expected.

Tonight they play against a team that is not the highest ranked in the tournament and there is hope that they may win.  It was clear today as they practiced cheers in the hotel parking lot that they are incredibly excited.   Though I have not been screaming my head off and sit now typing quietly in the lobby, sipping endless hotel coffee I’m excited too.  I’m hoping they play today like they played last night.  As a team.  I’m hoping today they play remembering that this game isn’t about one star it’s about working together.  It’s about remembering all the things their coach has asked of them in practice and applying it.

I have been so thankful to get to know these girls over the past couple years through volleyball and now basketball.  I have been thankful to see the relationships they have built with each other, thankful to see their growth in the skills they need to play this game, thankful for the awesome attitudes they have shown throughout the season, thankful that they are more and more seeking God’s glory in everything they do and thankful that win or lose they have learned to do it as a team.

Writer Wednesday! Singled Out for Him: Embracing the gift, the blessings and the challenges of singleness by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

Whoa two posts in one day!!  Is that even allowed?!?  I’m sure I must be breaking some sort of blogging protocol by not posting for weeks and then posting twice in one day.  However it can’t be helped I wrote the other post and then realized it was Wednesday and I knew I wanted to write on Writer Wednesday about a tiny book I’ve been reading.  It’s seriously a very little book the Introduction starts on page 5 and ends on page 73, its about 6 inches tall and 4 inches wide and the font is not small. Needless to say it’s not a difficult book to finish, but there’s a lot of really good stuff packed in.  It’s by Nancy Leigh DeMoss who is easily  one of my favorite authors.  In her books she covers so many topics that are so good for women to meditate on and grow in.  I have been thankful for the ways her writing has challenged me to draw nearer to the Lord, to confront sins in my life and to work diligently toward becoming a godly woman.

This particular book is one I bought a while back because it was super cheap and then decided I didn’t want to read it right then.  It’s called “Singled Out for Him: Embracing the gift, the blessings and the challenges of singleness” I didn’t read it right away because sometimes I just don’t even want to think about being single.  Sometimes studying even good resources about singleness can leave me so focused on my marital status so that I can become discontent with it just because I think about it too much.

However in picking up this tiny book I was thankful for the way she dealt with the topic and there was a lot in the book I wanted to make sure people know.  Not just single women, but also marrieds who have single women that they interact with.  I know it’s important for me to have people to come alongside as encouragers and have people willing to keep me accountable to living in a godly way. 

The book is structured into 10 commitments that singles can follow to honor God in this season of life.   I want to look at a few of them here that stood out to me.  The first was “I am committed to receiving singleness as a gift from God” In this chapter she talks about seeing singleness itself as a gift not the lack of a gift.  I love giving gifts, I love trying to decide what would be a blessing for the recipient .  I see gift giving as an opportunity to show the person I’m giving to that I love them, that I pay attention to the things they like or need.  If I delight so much in giving good gifts, how much more does God delight in giving good gifts.  If I am capable of observing what gift will make someone in my life smile or fulfill some need they have how much better is God who has searched me and known me at giving the perfect gifts.  Ms. DeMoss writes

“I am not single by accident. I am not single because the “right man” has never asked me to        marry him.  I am not single because I have made up my mind not to marry.  Rather I am single
because God has chosen for me the gift of singleness.  I believe that I am single according to the perfect will and purpose of God.  I have no way of knowing how long He will give me this gift or whether He will ever chose to give me the gift of marriage.  I do not know whether it is His will for me to be single in five years.  But I do know that it has been His will to this point in my life.”

Seeing singleness as a gift chosen in love by my heavenly Father is such a wonderful viewpoint and something I was to commit to.  Once we see something in life as a gift it opens up the option to thank Him for it and use it well.

 

Another chapter was entitled “I am committed to relating to families” The first two paragraphs really hit home on some things that I have struggled with in the past and sometimes still struggle with.

“Those singles whose lives are characterized by chronic loneliness probably have not discovered their place in the Body of Christ.  The fact is, we are not alone.  We are a part of an incredible family of faith.  And that family includes far more than just other singles!  You and I are called to function within the broader context of the family of God.
One of my concerns about church programs designed solely for singles is the danger of isolating singles from the broader Body.  I believe God intends for our lives and gifts to operate within the sphere of the whole Body- young and old, married and single.  Those who interrelate only with others whose needs and interests are similar to their own are far more vulnerable to the   crippling, deadly effects of selfishness.”

I’ve seen this in my own life where the people  was closest to in church were other singles, that became especially hard as they started to get married and I didn’t.  Not only did those relationships change, but I saw people in the church, married couples and families reaching out to them as new couples in ways that they had never reached out to me (or even my friends when they were single)  To me it felt like there was some barrier keeping me outside full membership in the Body because I’m still single.  (In reality I think it was just that people could clearly see the opportunity to encourage and come alongside a new couple and that is not a bad thing.) 

Realizing that I don’t have to wait for families to reach out to me in order to be involved in their lives has been a huge help to me.  It’s still a struggle sometimes to figure out how I fit in to church life, but I’m learning.  In the chapter Ms. DeMoss also writes:

“On a practical note ,  I have known single men and women  who would love to spend time with families and become resentful when families don’t think to reach out to them (Um been there done that) My personal experience is that most married couples are not aware of the value of including singles in the life of their family and therefore generally don’t take the initiative to do so.   So my challenge to singles is this: Don’t be afraid to reach out to families!  Look for ways to initiate relationships with children, young people, and couples as well as older people who are         alone and in need of families”

She went on to gives some exceedingly practical ideas on how to do that, which was so helpful.  I am not a super great relationship initiator, I won’t invite myself over to your house for dinner unless I’ve known you forever and even then I prefer to drop hints about how great your cooking is.  However her ideas included going to kid’s ball games or concerts, sending notes of encouragement, inviting kids to come run errands, looking out for opportunities to meet needs.  She also gave the reminder that being a part of a family is a blessing, but it’s also a lot of work.  There has to be a commitment to keep up with people, to reach out to people, to sacrifice for their good.  It’s my responsibility to come alongside families and interact with them and love on them.

 

The last section I wanted to look at in this post is also the last one in the book “I am committed to pursuing and intimate relationship with God above all else”

“If God has chosen me for a life of singleness, then I will delight in His goodness and His ability to meet all my needs, and I will seek to cultivate a relationship with Him that will cause others to thirst for Him”

God is enough to meet every need I have and He loves me perfectly.  My relationship with Him is more important than any other relationship I will ever have.  I need to trust Him fully to do what is best in my life and know that He is able to “satisfy the deepest needs and longings in my heart” She writes;

“That is why I am committed to letting Him choose for me what gifts I will have, and to embrace His choices with all my heart.  I will not spend my life pining away for something He has not chosen for me.  I choose to be content with His choice for me and refuse to give in to a spirit of discontentment.  I chose to be His glad servant and let Him take and use my life in whatever way will please Him most.

For whatever period of time I am single, by God’s grace, I want to be totally His in body, soul and spirit.  I want to know Him, to love Him, and to glorify Him in our world.  I want to live each day in His presence living for His pleasure.  .  . ”

Marriage is a good thing, it’s a blessing and it’s something that I still do long for, but it is not the supreme thing.  A right relationship with the Lord is the supreme thing, and His glory is my chief end.  I am thankful to be able to have this little book as a reminder of the blessing singleness can and should be.

Change it up

Well it has been a while since I’ve even sat down to write anything for this Blog.  The last few weeks have been pretty busy.  I was in a musical, Bye, Bye Birdie and show time can be pretty crazy.  Everything turned out super well and it was a lot of fun, but right now I’m thankful that it’s over because I have a pretty big task over the next few weeks.  Moving back home is going to be great, really it’s the right thing however the process of getting things moved is a bit overwhelming to me.  There have been times when I have sat in my living room surveying the ground without any idea of how even half of the stuff in here will fit in my mom’s house.   

 

A while back Hershey’s had these commercials where they would show something changed and how bad the change was the tagline was “Change is bad.  .   . Hershey’s unchanged since 18??” I could totally relate to those commercials.  Deep down I know change is often good.  I know the Lord brings changes into our lives to help us grow in ways that wouldn’t be possible if things were always the same.  I’ve even experienced great changes in my own life seeing firsthand the joys that can come from something new.  However change still isn’t something I do without at least a few moments of “NOOOOOOOO” 

 

I am certain that the changes in my life right now are good ones, but there’s a part of me that’s still nervous.  A part of me that can see all the things that might go wrong, that doesn’t want to give up the certainty of what life is now to walk into uncertainty.  Thankfully that part of me is fighting a losing battle. Yes there are still moments of struggle, but those moments are becoming shorter.  When those thoughts come into my head that say “This will never work” “You can’t handle what’s coming?” it is becoming more normal to take them captive and make them obedient to Christ.  To replace them with prayers asking the Lord for wisdom, for strength, for a willingness to walk by faith and not by sight.

 

I’m looking forward to more opportunities to learn to see the blessings of change without the fear of it.  Over the next few months I’m not only moving back home, I’ll also be heading off to Central Ohio to work for about a month and a half at a Christian summer camp (More on that in future posts I’m sure).  There are adventures ahead, and they will be good.  I know they’ll be good, because I know God is good.  I know He truly knows what is best and will do what is best in my life. 

In the Valley

I don’t have a specific writer for today’s Writer Wednesday post.  The reason for that is the book I’m drawing from is a collection of writings drawn from a group of writers.  It is a book of Puritan Prayers called the Valley of Vision.  Arthur Bennett in the preface states “The prayers in this book are drawn from the largely forgotten deposit of Puritan spiritual exercises, meditations and aspirations.  They testify to the richness and colour of evangelical thought and language that animated vital piety in an important stream of English religious life.”  In reading the prayers of saints who have walked before I have been challenged by their devotion to the Lord, their passion for His glory, their hatred of their own sin, and their fear of the God of the universe.  

The preface goes on to say “The book is not intended to be read as a prayer manual.  The soul learns to pray by praying; for prayer is communion with a transcendent and immanent God who on the ground of His nature and attributes calls forth all the powers of the redeemed soul in acts of total adoration and dedication.  The prayers should therefore be used as aspirational units, the several parts of which could become springboards for the individual’s own prayer subjects.”  During those times when it can be hard to know what to pray for this book includes starting points, vivid reminders of many of the things we should be speaking to the Lord about.  Prayers that speak of His greatness, prayers that wonder at His mercy in redemption, prayers that beg forgiveness from sin, prayers of humble confession, prayers that recognize our helplessness,  prayers of thankfulness for the Lord’s abundant blessings, prayers asking for holiness, faith, grace, joy, contentment, sleep, comfort, happiness, sincerity, and prayers expressing the longing for eternity. 

There are so many things we should be going to the Lord for, so much that scripture calls us to pray without ceasing.  Yet often it’s hard to pray, hard to think deeply enough to approach the Lord with boldness.  I have been thankful to have these prayers as a springboard and a way to focus my own heart of the wonders of the Lord and on the joy and privilege it is to be heard in His presence.  Here is one of my favorite prayers from the Valley of Vision

The Deeps

Give me a deeper repentance,
A horror of sin,
A dread of its approach;
Help me chastely to flee it,
And jealously to resolve that my heart
Shall be thine alone.
Give me a deeper trust,
That I may lose myself to find myself in Thee,
The ground of my rest,
The spring of my being.
Give me a deeper knowledge of thyself
As Saviour, Master, Lord and King.
Give me deeper power in private prayer,
More sweetness in thy Word,
More steadfast grip on its truth.
Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action,
And let me not seek moral virtue apart from thee.
Plough deep in me, great Lord,
Heavenly Husbandman,
That my being may be a tilled field,
The roots of grace spreading far and wide,
Until Thou alone art seen in me,
Thy beauty golden like summer harvest,
Thy fruitfulness as autumn plenty.
I have no Master but thee,
No law but thy will,
No delight but thyself,
No wealth but that thou givest,
No good but that thou blessest,
No peace but that thou bestowest.
I am nothing but that thou makest me,
I have nothing but that I receive from thee,
I can be nothing but that grace adorns me.
Quarry me deep, dear Lord,
And then fill me to overflowing
With living water.

Tunesday

Today I have decided to try out another theme day!!  Tuesday sounds a bit like Tunesday doesn’t it? This idea is not new but shamelessly stolen from other bloggers who take one day a week to feature a song.  If you know me at all you know I love music.  I’ve been known to literally break into song without even meaning to.  I sing along with the music in the grocery store, I sing in the car, I sing in the shower, I sing when people say words that are in songs I know.   .  . Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it until a strange in the baking aisle starts staring.

Since music stays so firmly in my mind it has been an extremely important part of my spiritual life as well.  I read a quote once that talked about how while many things like books and sermons pass through a mind fleetingly hymns stay in a mind and the tunes replay again and again causing that mind to dwell on the words, to meditate on them fully.  Adding music to lyrics cements those lyrics in the mind.  While there are many useless songs that can get stuck in my head on occasion there are also those wonderful songs that cause my thoughts to turn to the Lord.  There are those hymns and spiritual songs that tune my heart to sing His praise.

This morning I pulled a book off my shelf to look for a song to share here.  The book is Gadsby’s Hymns and according to the back cover it “is an esteemed collection of 1156 hymns of rich theological content, many of which are not found in any other current hymnal”  Many of these hymns are filled to overflowing with doctrine and adoration of the living God.  Many of the hymns in these pages no longer have tunes and it can be a delight to me to sit down with the guitar and just sing the words, most of my tunes are just a joyful noise unto the Lord with an emphasis on the word noise.  However I am not the only one who knows about this hymnal.  I discovered the book after hearing settings from it by Red Mountain Music, they actually have a CD drawn entirely from Gadsby’s Hymnal, giving tunes back to a few of these incredible hymns. 

For today I wanted to share one of my favorite hymns from Gadsby’s Hymnal and really one of my favorite hymns period.  It is Hymn # 1052 and I learned it under the title “Friend of Sinners”

Redeemer whither should I flee

Or how escape the wrath to come
The weary sinner flies to Thee
For shelter from impending doom;
Smile on me gracious Lord
And show Thyself the Friend of sinners now

 

Beneath the shadow of Thy cross
My heavy laden soul finds rest
I would esteem the world but dross
So I might be of Christ possessed
I’d seek my every joy in Thee
Be Thou both life and light to me

 

Close to Thy highly shameful tree
Jesus my humbled soul would cleave
Despised and crucified with Thee
With the resolved to die and live
This prayer and this ambition mine
Living and dying to be Thine

 

There fastened to the rugged wood
By holy love’s resistless chain
And life deriving from Thy blood
Never to wander wide again
There may I bow my suppliant knee
And own no other Lord but Thee