Jesus Loves me this I know

It's been quite a while since I've sat down at the computer (with mug of coffee in hand) for the purpose of writing in this Blog.  It wasn't because of lack of material because much has happened over June, July and August.

I spent a couple months at camp, was challenged in ways that surprised me, made some friends I came to love dearly and learned some things about myself and my God that have changed everything.

I came back home and have been reconnecting with life here.  Spending time with family, and friends who are family.  Learning the new rhythm of days that aren't as full.  Coaching volleyball again (Man I love that) and preparing to teach gym (Who would have ever expected I'd be a gym teacher??)  Discovering where I fit into the body of Christ here and living in it better.

The most important thing I've learned about myself this summer was that many times I flat out don't believe that God loves me.  That is hard to write.  It was even harder to learn that about myself.  I've talked so much of God's Love, known so much about it, been in awe of its greatness, but somehow missed the reality of it.  It was hard to confess to the Lord that I have not been fully trusting His promises,  that I have not been clinging to the truth of His Word,  that my heart has been so hard towards Him.  However I am thankful that He opened my eyes because repenting from that unbelief, turning hard towards a confidence in His love has been incredible.  Confessing that I haven't believed God's Love and begging Him to teach me to believe what He says about me has been freedom.

Promises like "Perfect love casts out fear" have moved of the page and into my heart.  I was so afraid for so long, of so many ridiculous things,  things that weren't even real, things that might happen, but probably wouldn't.  Now I still have moments of fear but I'm quicker to turn to the reality of God's Love and if the Almighty God who made the Universe calls me His Beloved then of course I have nothing to fear.

I've also been learning a lot in the "How to believe God's Love" department.  That's where a lot of the change has been coming from because it wasn't like I didn't know about it, or didn't understand it, I just didn't believe it.  I didn't believe it was possible for someone who knew me fully (and I did firmly believe God knew me fully) to love me.

First the how to has meant really understanding that my identity comes not from what I do but from who I am in Him.  The things I do flow out from who I am, they don't define me. I struggle with this like crazy because I am a doer and that's not always a bad thing, but its so easy for me to do and do and do and just never stop to rest and abide in the Lord and sit at His feet and wonder at who He is and meditate on all that He says about who I am. Thankfully I am in a season of life right now where time to abide is easy to come by and learning the importance of that now will help me guard that time as more things to do come into the schedule.

Second the how to has meant seeking more to live in community with other believers who can remind me of His love and who I can pour into as well.  Community is something I didn't know I was desperate for,  to the point that when it was readily available I relied on it too much and it's not enough on its own.  However, it is really important to be a part of a family.  Intentionally building those relationships with brothers and sisters in Christ is a tremendous encouragement.  I need the accountability of people who know my struggles and can push me to go the right way, who can speak wisdom into my life, who can ask me the hard questions.  I also need people that I can come alongside and help bear their burdens.

I'm still figuring out what all this looks like in the day to day.

Roller Coaster Ride

I tried very hard not to have many expectations going into camp.  Really because having expectations that aren’t met has been something that I’ve struggled with over the past few years.  Somewhere in Proverbs its says the hope deferred makes the heart sick and hoping for things that are part of my own vision of what “should” be often does that.  It has made me anxious and terrified and angry and lonely.  So one of my goals with camp was to avoid those expectations getting in the way of whatever camp reality looked like.

Boy am I glad I didn’t try to figure out what it would be like before I got here.  Already it has been one new, unexpected thing after another.  A new bed to learn to fall asleep in (New white noise and all), new people from different places and different points in life, new tasks (I finally know how to fold a sweatshirt!!!)  So much newness in every aspect of life and the kids haven’t even arrived yet.

It’s felt like a roller coaster ride for much of the ten days that I’ve been here.  There has been the thrilling joy of friendship and of being useful in work in a way that I haven’t been for a long time.  There has been the heart racing trips uphill wondering if I’m doing things the way they should be done, wondering if my mouth is open more than it should be, if I’m to open or not open enough.  Also there’s the spinning, upside down awesomeness of laughter and conversation and diving headfirst into the Word and service. 

Sometimes it’s hard to catch my breath.  Sometimes it’s tempting to feel like the work ahead is too big and beyond what I can do.  The truth is, it is beyond what I can do.  It is beyond what any of these amazing people that I’m growing to love can do.  However, it is not too big for my God to do.  He is strong enough to encourage us in our weariness, to be our strength when we have none, to work in the hearts and minds of all the young people that will cross the threshold of this camp.   The campers start to roll in tomorrow and I absolutely cannot wait to see how the Lord will work in them and in me too.  I don’t have expectations for what He will do because my expectations are never big enough, His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways.  My ways would never have brought me here and I need to be here. 

If you think of it pray for our campers, my fellow staff and for me too!!

Marvelous are His Works

Well it has been almost a full week here at Camp Otyokwah (Where friend meets friend J )  The week has often been like drinking from a fire hose.  Incredible amounts of training, learning all the ins and outs of camp life,  a room shared with 7 other girls I’ve never met before, more concentrated time in the Word than I’ve had in ages and diving Head first into community with strangers.  

There have been moments this week when I’ve felt completely overwhelmed and out of place, but those moments have been more and more fleeting.  Breathing in the fresh, pine filled air in a place where I’ve seen the Lord work before has helped me start to settle in here.  To dwell here. 

I have been amazed over and over again at how much the LORD had been working in me already.   I was so nervous about meeting everyone and He has made our common ground in Christ so clear to me.  I’ve already heard incredible testimonies of God’s work in the lives of my fellow staff members and I am so thankful that even though we have walked different paths to get here we have walked those roads with the same guide.  I’m still learning how I fit into this community, but there is a community being built, deeper than I expected. 

This week we’ve fellowshipped over meals (and Cheese-its!!), over the Word, over random song breaks, over games and Walmart runs, over paint scrapping and knot tying learning along the way to speak with the language of love.  I am not fluent yet, but I’m hoping to learn how to love these brothers and sisters better and be family to them in this far off land of Ohio. 

We have more training and planning at the beginning of next week , but come Thursday our first campers roll in.  First and Second graders J  I’m  excited to see what comes next in this adventure!  God has been etching the truth that His works are marvelous and that He will be faithful to complete all that He has begun in my life.  It amazing to think that the God who designed the incredible creation I’ve been enjoying so much this week, the towering trees, the rolling hills, the vast ocean of stars it’s that God who calls me His.  It’s that masterful artist who’s working in my heart, who is crafting me.   I don’t know all that’s ahead in this,  I don’t know all the reasons God has me here, but marvelous are His work (whatever they may be) and that my soul knows very well.

Count Down ONE WEEK LEFT!!!!!

Well it’s hard to believe that I’ll be leaving in exactly one week for CAMP!!!  How cool is that?  Looking at all that’s happened in the last few months I am amazed by the grace of God in my life.  For a long time I was too afraid to trust Him.  I valued the security of a full time job, a regular pay check, health insurance, a retirement fund more than the security in walking by faith.   I valued my own ways and plans more than His ways and plans.  And I was miserable.  I was miserable not just because I hated the job, but because I wasn’t living for His glory.  I wasn’t using the gifts He has given me to honor Him. 

I still don’t know what my life lived for Him will look like, and honestly there’s days when the not knowing scares me.  However,  I am learning ever so slowly but steadily the truths from God’s Word that promise His presence with Me, His faithfulness to me, His love for me and His grace’s sufficiency.

Joshua  1:9 “Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened, and  do not be dismayed , for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

1 Corinthians 1:9  “God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.”

Psalm 13:5 “But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.”

2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.”

Looking at the opportunity I’ll have over the next few weeks to encourage teens to grow in their relationships with the Lord.  To help the learn the joy that it is to serve Him.  I am humbled.  I am thankful.  I am totally through the roof excited to be even a small part in the Lord’s work. 

On a side note, I love getting mail!!  So for any of you who are inclined to send mail I thought it couldn’t hurt to give you the address.   .    . Just in case!!  I’m not sure yet how much access I’ll have to the outside world, I’m planning on embracing all of the camp limitations on technology to make sure I’m 100% there.   So I’m certain mail will be an extra special blessing.

Camp Otyokwah

Sarah Comfort

3380 Tugend Road

Butler, OH 44822

The Road Less Traveled

I’ve known for quite a while now that I’d be working at Camp Otyokwah this summer.  I decided to wait until I knew what my official position was before making a blog announcement.  Well on Sunday I found out I’ll be working with their Counselor in Training Program.  Basically I’ll be working with high schoolers to help them prepare to minister to some of the younger campers and mentor them as they’re working. I don’t know all the details of what the job will look like day to day, but I do know I’ll have the opportunity to be in God’s Word with these young people and have the chance to pour into their lives as they’re trained to serve the Lord in camp ministry.

Having grown up going to camp I count it a privilege to be involved in Camp ministry this summer.  Looking back at my time as a camper I am amazed at how God used those weeks to work mightily in my life.  There is something incredible about a time that is set apart.  A time away from the many distractions of day to day life.  A time in the midst of God’s wondrous creation.  A time saturated with the study of His living Word.  A time when His praises ring through the air.  A time when brothers and sisters come together to focus on their heavenly Father.

I am humbled that He has opened up the doors to allow me to serve Him in a ministry that He has used so much in my life.  I don’t know what all God has in store for my future.  There are still days when I want desperately to look ahead into the days He has planned.  Right now in this moment I am simply thankful for this next glimpse.  Leaving my job I wanted more than anything to be able to spend my time doing something that was useful to Him, not just working at a job that paid the bill and gave me some false feeling of security.  I am grateful for the chance to encourage, teach and love on these young people as they focus on serving the Lord. 

This road is a different one than the one I had envisioned myself on.  It’s not the road I would have expected to travel, but it is one that God has blessed and prepared before me.  So if you think of it pray for me.  Pray I’ll honor Him in everything I do.  Pray for the young people I’ll be working with that the Holy Spirit will be at work in them.  Pray that I’ll trust Him, that I won’t long for another road so much that I miss the joys of the road He has lovingly prepared for me. 

Acquainted with Grief- Whirlwind Week part 4

After all the craziness of moving came Sunday.  I love Sundays.  I’ve always loved Sundays for as long as I can remember.  To me Sundays are like a glimpse of heaven.  A day set aside for worship, a pastor preaching from the very word of God, singing glorious words in harmony with God’s people, fellowshipping together.  With a crazy Saturday and all the busyness of the move and all the changes I needed Sunday and I wasn’t completely ready for it.  Are we ever really ready to meet with God? 

I’m an emotional person and it ended up being an emotional day.  In choir we were practicing a song I have sung many, many times before called “Behold the Man.” We’re preparing it for the Good Friday service at church and really it’s not a song I ever thought would make me want to weep.  This time however singing it a line struck me in a way it had never before.  It was a quote from Isaiah 53:3 “. . . Man of Sorrows, acquainted with grief” As I sang those words I could feel that lump forming in my throat.   To think of Christ, the perfect sinless son of God who deserved to be worshipped and adored, being the Man of Sorrows who knew grief intimately. 

The thought struck me so directly because with all the joys of the changes in my life right now and really over the past few years there have been sorrows too.  There has been grief that’s real and deep and hard. There were moments during the move that I wanted to cry because there were some really wonderful times in the apartment and leaving those behind was a struggle, and even though I am thrilled with the blessings that come with moving back home I had different expectations for the course my life would take.  I firmly believe God is in control in my life and has planned the days ahead of me.  Yet there is grief caused by “hopes deferred”

Well after those thoughts flooded in, a couple other things came up as rehearsal continued and I eventually had to step out for a few minutes and lay on a floor and weep and talk to my God.  It was so sweet to know I was talking to my God who is acquainted with sorrows, He knows what grief is, He knows that in the midst of this world wrecked by sin sometimes we long just to be in His arms, just to crawl into His lap and tell Him what our heart desires are, to beg Him for strength to face the day, for forgiveness for all the times we fail, for grace that’s sufficient in our weakness.

It wasn’t a long time of grief, and the Lord gave joy and laughter quickly.  I mean really how many people over the age of five end up sobbing on the floor in church?  Of course there were moments that followed of laughter at that ridiculousness.  I mean really I’m 32 shouldn’t I wait to get home and cry on my own floor? However there is a time to laugh and a time to weep.  I am thankful that have a God who understands my tears, who holds them in a bottle, who lets me call Him Abba, who knew grief Himself so I could know His joy.

Whirlwind Week Part 3: The Journey of Phibo

Ok so if you don’t care about adorable orange cats this may be a post you want to skip.  At the risk of being seen as a Crazy Cat Lady I’m going to take an entire post just to talk about moving Mephibosheth (Sounds more respectable to use his full name right?) to his new home.  If this is your first time reading this Blog I swear I don’t post about cats all the time, read the other entries if you’re concerned about my sanity J

Well after my mom and I came to the decision to move Phibo we drove over to my apartment.  The cat had been a bit traumatized by people coming in and taking all his stuff.  During the morning move he would hide behind something and then someone would move whatever he was hiding behind and he would run and hide somewhere else until that object was moved.  It was a vicious cycle.  When we arrived to pick him up Phib was lying pathetically in the middle of the living room floor, obviously stunned by the moving process.

I picked him up and mercilessly shoved him into the cat carrier and locked the door, the white tips of his paws reaching desperately through the bars of this tiny cage.   .    . Sound a bit dramatic?  Did I mention the helpless cries that fell on seemingly deaf ears?  In reality I felt terrible and when we got out to the car and he cried the entire way home (Not the annoying cat cry most cats do but His patented “Don’t you love me anymore?” cry) Ugh and when he tried to stick him tiny nose out the air holes just awful.

After that ordeal we get in the house and at the point I was with stacking there was really only enough floor space in my room for his litter box, food and water and a path for me to walk to a chair I had setup.  When the cage was open Phib bolted into the stacks skillfully maneuvering to the far reaches of the piles so that he could not be recaptured and put back into solitary confinement.  I thought he might hate me forever.

However, Phib is easily one of the most social cats I have ever met and after maybe an hour in hiding, he ventured out of his sanctuary and let me pet him and sat with me on the chair.  There are other cats and dogs who live here so the plan has been to slowly introduce them.  This meant that first night he was on his own.  I have since arranged things so he has plenty of room on the floor and still has some stacked boxes to perch on.  It’s kind of creepy to walk in at night and have glowing yellow eyes staring at you from eight feet up.  He hasn’t made any new  friends yet, the little dog likes to hang out in the room, and Phib no longer hisses at her or puffs up to 3 times his normal size so I guess that’s progress.  All in all for a cat that had lived his whole life in one place with only one human to interact with I think he’s doing exceedingly well.  I’m pretty sure he’s gained about a pound stress eating but hey who wouldn’t stress eat after all that?

Whirlwind Week Part 2

After the crew left on moving day there was still a few things to finish, stuff that I really wanted to just do myself so I could organize the stacks a bit more as I went. My sister came home and announced that she would help if we went to FroYo after for Blue4Ben.  Of course I wanted FroYo  and FroYo with proceeds going to a good cause is even better.  We worked for a little while and then went out.

I’m certain at this point that anyone reading this in Buffalo knows what Blue4Ben is, but for you out of towners I’ll explain a bit.  This is from Ben’s mom’s Blog called  "Pray for Ben Sauer: A little Boy waiting on a miracle"

“Ben is an active four-year-old who loves playing in the backyard finding snakes, frogs and worms. He builds forts, plays with sticks and likes to shoot his brother with dart guns. As a twin, we always dressed Ben in blue so others could tell him apart from his identical twin brother Jack. And now, Benis waiting on  a miracle.”

Ben was diagnosed with a rare cancerous brain tumor and his family is asking God to heal Ben.  They’re also asking everyone else to ask God to heal Ben.  Blue4Ben has been the community’s response.  There have been entire schools dressed in Blue to show they’re praying for Ben, businesses have had Blue4Ben days to help offer financial support, the Peace Bridge (an international bridge to Canada) lights were all turned on Blue.   Everyone here knows about Ben.  We pray for Ben at youth group each week.  Asking God to heal Ben.  His mother has been writing about their journey and it has been encouraging to see her faith and testimony of God’s goodness in the midst of such a hard time.  She’s shared the sorrows and joys of watching her little boy struggle with this cancer.  If you’re reading about this for the first time please pray for Ben and his family!!

Well FroYo went Blue4Ben and my sister and I had blue sprinkles on top of some super delicious frozen yogurt.  It was definitely the right call after a hard day’s work.  You don’t get much better than frozen yogurt topped with blackberries, hot Nutella fudge, almonds and of course Blue sprinkles.  Now the day could’ve ended there, but suddenly I now had an empty apartment with a small orange cat, all alone, with no furniture.

I had not planned on moving Phib (Short for Mephibosheth) that day, because I hadn’t really planned on moving all the furniture that day.  Well my sister and I went back home.  My mom had arrived and we discussed the Phib dilemma, see she has other cats and a couple dogs so I was a little leery of introducing Phib to a new home with new “friends”, but we came to the conclusion that it had to be done.  .  . Next time we’ll continue this story with the Journey of Phibo.

Whirlwind Week Part 1

Well it’s been a crazy week and a half and it may take more than one post to sum everything up.  .   . In fact lets plan on this being part 1 so I don’t write a massive novella  that no one will ever have the time to read.  And so begins Whirlwind Week (and a half) Part 1.  .   .

Last Saturday was officially Moving Day!!  I rented a 14 ft. U-Haul and drove it to the apartment around 8:30 AM (Side note I love driving trucks!!) When I got back I started loading up some boxes, it was a gray rainy day and the task looked a little daunting until help showed up!!  I was so thankful to have some dear friends come over and move all my random stuff onto the truck. One of them even brought COFFEE!!  I may be a Superhero, but I am not stronger than a locomotive and cannot even move a Queen sized mattress by myself so having some big, strong men swoop in and move all the heavy stuff was an awesome blessing.  On top of that there were enough girls there too that all the little things made their way to the truck in record time.  My 67 boxes were out the door in about 15 minutes flat.  .   . It was a whirlwind. 

The truck was completely loaded by 10:30.  I was shocked.  In all my lack of moving wisdom I expected the loading process to go for hours and hours maybe days or weeks, but the apartment was so easily emptied.  It was overwhelming in all the best ways.  There were a few moments when I just wanted to lay on the floor and cry not because I was sad at all but because I was blown away by the love people were showing for me in doing this job and I was shocked by the reality of changes I had known were coming. I did not lay on the floor and cry that day because it was not the time for it, it was a time to buckle down and get the work done and we really did.

The unloading process took even less time.  Seeing my room at home (I’ve never stopped calling my mom’s house home which is just more confirmation that its where I belong) filled with boxes and furniture was crazy too.  Putting an apartment full of things into a single room, makes that room seem pretty small.  The change in space is going to be an adjustment but everything really did fit!! The great thing about home is that there are 11 ft. ceilings which meant as I organized the stacks could go higher.  I have floor space now after a few restacking sessions.   It’ll take more time to actually unpack it all.  In reality I may never completely unpack all those boxes, but they are all in the house and I am thrilled!!

After the moving that I needed the most help for was done the friends who had helped took time to pray for me in this new stage of life.  Thanking God for the work He has done in me and through me and praying that He will continue to bless me.  It is sweet to be prayed for.  To have people go to God on your behalf knowing that God is faithful to hear the prayers of His people.  The ministry of that prayer was immediate in my heart and was such an encouragement.   

There were so many thoughts swirling around in my head that day, but the one that prevailed was thankfulness.  I was thankful for God’s provision of help and thankful for all that God has done to make these changes in my life possible.  Really how many people get to do what I’m doing?  I have had the opportunity to put the brakes on my life and turn down a different course.  On top of that because of this move home I don’t have the pressures to know what that course in exactly.  I’m able to look at options, to try new things, to listen to counsel from people who know me and know more about what’s out there.   I am extremely thankful for this opportunity.   I’m praying that God will help me use it well and not waste this time, but give me wisdom to know how best to glorify Him in it. 

There’s more to the story and more excitement to share, but for that you will have to wait until Whirlwind Week Part 2 coming soon to a Computer Screen (Or Tablet, or phone) near you!!

So What do you do????

I really don’t like small talk. This isn’t new I’ve always strived to avoid it as much as I can.  It is rare when I will actually talk to someone at all before I can see where the common ground is so that I can skip past the generic small talk phase of a relationship.  One thing about small talk that I’ve realized recently is that one of the earliest questions people ask is “So what do you do?”  I don’t think I ever noticed before because I always had an easy answer.  Growing up I was a student, for a while after graduation I was a nanny, and after that I was a car insurance agent.  Now my answer to this question has become “Well I .   .   . um, so I was, .  .  . but now I might.   .   . but then after that I don’t know.  .  . so um well yeah”

Ha, ha I’ve never loved small talk, and have always been a little awkward with it, but I don’t say “Um” I’m quick to answer, often too quick.   However, now a question that inevitably comes up with in the first few minutes of meeting a new person or reconnecting with an old acquaintance has become one that I cannot easily answer. 

I still am adept at avoiding small talk so it doesn’t come up terrible often, but I’m starting to think that maybe rather than avoiding the questions I may be able to use this question to tear past small talk.  My answer to this question does not fit into the normal small talk category during this phase of life.  Someday I might have a simple answer again, but at least now during this time of change I do not have an easy answer.  Yet I do have an answer. 

It’s a better answer than any I have ever had before

“So what do you do?” 

“Well I’ve taken a path that isn’t completely clear because I’m seeking the Lord’s will for my life.  I recently quit a job in corporate America because I knew it wasn’t what I was called to do, and I realized there had to be more out there.  I’ll be working at a Christian summer camp starting at the end of May with either their Day Camp or Counselor in training program (Waiting to hear which one) and after that I don’t know.  I’m learning to be ok with not knowing because the Lord is teaching me to trust Him for the future.”

Suddenly a question that has been thrown into the realm of small talk on par with “How’s the weather out there?” or “What’s your name?” is a question that I can answer, not with a title that tells someone nothing about who I am, but with a testimony of the Lord’s work in my life.   Who knows maybe figuring this out will help me get over my hatred of small talk? 

Looking on Love

I’ve sat down to write this entry four or five times already and left it without an idea of where to even begin.  After more thought I decided to try again because the thoughts I want to write about are ones that have been going through my head over the last few weeks and I’ve been learning.  The lessons  still are not completely learned, but the Lord has been at work in my heart and mind so incomplete as it all is I still wanted to share. 

I think it all comes down to two questions first “Have you ever not known the best way to love someone?” Second “Have you ever wanted to be loved differently?”  I’ve been learning that love is a hard thing sometimes, and also that receiving love can be a hard thing too. 

I am not a naturally loving person.  By nature I am selfish.  Therefore love has been something I’ve needed to learn how to do.  I want to love because that’s what the Lord commands.  There is also a sweetness in loving someone well that’s hard to express.  There are times though when I don’t know how to show that love.  A dear friend of mine was faced with a struggle that I had never met before, something that I didn’t have any idea how to help with.  I didn’t know what words to say, I didn’t know if there was something I should do.  .   . I was lost as to how to love her well as she walked though this time.  I was reminded in that, that the Lord knows how to love her best.  So I asked Him to do that and in watching the way she has been walking through this time I believe He is loving her well, providing people who do know the right this to say, providing the promises and hope in His word, providing small joys in the day to day and wisdom to think properly.  I’m thankful for the times when I can’t love well the Lord fills those gaps.  I’m also thankful for the reminder that He is the source of love and that I am only a channel for that love to come through.  There are times when He will use me to show His love, but for those times when I am not the channel He has chosen I can be confident that He will still pour out His love on His people in His way.

I am also not naturally an easy person to love.  By nature I am selfish.  Therefore I want to dictate how other people love me.  Crazy thing happened I somehow pulled a muscle in my chest, or something.  . . Well so last Sunday night I started having crazy muscle spasms, but I didn’t know they were muscle spasms, really it just felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest over and over and over again.  I was in a ton of pain and didn’t know what was causing it.  What would be the loving thing for people to do?  I haven’t had the best experience with doctors over the years so calling the paramedics was not on my list of what would be loving.  .  . But that’s what happened.  I was honestly a little annoyed.   .  . but seriously if a person is having severe chest pains then calling 911 is the loving thing to do. 

I figured out later in the week that I was stupid for not recognizing that.  Yet in thinking about that more extreme scenario I realized that I do stuff like that a lot.  I decide what I think love should look like and when it looks different than what I want I get annoyed, or frustrated, or lonely, or even scared because I don’t feel loved.  It happens in my relationships with other people, and I’ve been focusing this week especially on letting go of my expectations.  Instead of setting out hoops for people who love me to jump through I’m focusing on being thankful for the wonderful little things they do.   It’s a lot easier to love someone when there’s not a specific target to hit, not a specific love language you have to become fluent in and I want to be someone who is easy to love.  I want to be someone who recognizes love and doesn’t fight it.

More importantly though I realized through a sermon today that I often want to choose how God loves me too.  The preacher talked about this as this sin of testing God.  He walked through the story of the Israelites.  God loved them, freeing them from slavery in Egypt, but they had expectations for what His love should look like.  They didn’t expect that the love of God would bring them to the edge of the Red Sea and allow the Egyptian Army to corner them there and they complained against God.  However God in His love brought them there to part the Red Sea, to show His power again.  He brought them there to save them in a way that was beyond anything they could imagine.  They didn’t expect that God in love would allow them to face thirst and hunger and they complained and told Him they would rather be by the pots of meat in Egypt.  However God in His love allowed them to hunger and thirst so He could fill them with sweet water and heavenly manna.  Over and over again they complained about how God was loving them, they longed for slavery in Egypt because they didn’t recognize God’s love.  His love didn’t look like love to them and when they reached the border of the land He promised them the refused to go in because they didn’t understand that God loved them enough to defeat the giants of that land.  They spent forty years wandering in the wilderness because they tested the Lord by not believing He loved them and instead complained against Him. 

I do that too.

Oh so often I decide what God’s love should look like in my life.  Of course I would never include the trials that allow Him to demonstrate His faithfulness.  I would never include times of waiting that teach me patience and trust.  I would never include losses, which allow Him to be my peace and comfort.  I would only include things that make me feel warm and fuzzy.  His way is better; His love is the love of a father who knows what lessons I need to learn.  His love is higher and deeper and more wonderful than anything I can imagine.  And I know that, but so often I complain, I’m discontent and I feel alone because I don’t recognize His love. I don’t want to test Him.  I don’t want to sin in not believing all the promises He gives about His love for me.  I want to be someone who recognizes His love as a love that will not let me go and is ever present in my life.  I want to live in awe that the God of the Universe chose to love me.  I want to give up my expectations and trust that He loves me more and better than anything I could ever dream.  I’ve asked His forgiveness for the times when I have tested Him and complained about the way He loves me.  Hopeful that He will replace those complaints with a heart that revels in His abundant, surprising, perfect love.

Go Panthers!!!

Alright so yesterday I rode down with the Amherst Christian Academy Girls’ basketball team to their State Championship Tournament.  This is a completely new experience for me.  Before this year my only contact with basketball was my 8^th Grade modified team where I was adept at stealing, but had no idea how to get that ball anywhere near a basket, and a few watched games in which I had no idea if I should yell “Touch Down!!” or not.  This year I spent some time crashing practice and learning some of the basics and then keeping track of the scorebook.  I still can’t always tell why the refs are calling fouls, but I do know a few things about what basketball should look like.  More importantly than that I’ve been able to see these girls grow, not only in their basketball skills, but grow together as a team.

Last night they play the top ranked team in the Tournament and while they didn’t win that game they also didn’t allow that team to bulldoze over them.  They pulled down rebounds away from girls who had significant height advantages, they hit shots I had never seen them hit in a game before, they passed to each other with intent and they stayed in the game.  It was sweet to watch things that I know they have been working hard to do come together.  It wasn’t a perfect game and they still have areas to grow in, but there were moments when they played beyond anything I expected.

Tonight they play against a team that is not the highest ranked in the tournament and there is hope that they may win.  It was clear today as they practiced cheers in the hotel parking lot that they are incredibly excited.   Though I have not been screaming my head off and sit now typing quietly in the lobby, sipping endless hotel coffee I’m excited too.  I’m hoping they play today like they played last night.  As a team.  I’m hoping today they play remembering that this game isn’t about one star it’s about working together.  It’s about remembering all the things their coach has asked of them in practice and applying it.

I have been so thankful to get to know these girls over the past couple years through volleyball and now basketball.  I have been thankful to see the relationships they have built with each other, thankful to see their growth in the skills they need to play this game, thankful for the awesome attitudes they have shown throughout the season, thankful that they are more and more seeking God’s glory in everything they do and thankful that win or lose they have learned to do it as a team.

Writer Wednesday! Singled Out for Him: Embracing the gift, the blessings and the challenges of singleness by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

Whoa two posts in one day!!  Is that even allowed?!?  I’m sure I must be breaking some sort of blogging protocol by not posting for weeks and then posting twice in one day.  However it can’t be helped I wrote the other post and then realized it was Wednesday and I knew I wanted to write on Writer Wednesday about a tiny book I’ve been reading.  It’s seriously a very little book the Introduction starts on page 5 and ends on page 73, its about 6 inches tall and 4 inches wide and the font is not small. Needless to say it’s not a difficult book to finish, but there’s a lot of really good stuff packed in.  It’s by Nancy Leigh DeMoss who is easily  one of my favorite authors.  In her books she covers so many topics that are so good for women to meditate on and grow in.  I have been thankful for the ways her writing has challenged me to draw nearer to the Lord, to confront sins in my life and to work diligently toward becoming a godly woman.

This particular book is one I bought a while back because it was super cheap and then decided I didn’t want to read it right then.  It’s called “Singled Out for Him: Embracing the gift, the blessings and the challenges of singleness” I didn’t read it right away because sometimes I just don’t even want to think about being single.  Sometimes studying even good resources about singleness can leave me so focused on my marital status so that I can become discontent with it just because I think about it too much.

However in picking up this tiny book I was thankful for the way she dealt with the topic and there was a lot in the book I wanted to make sure people know.  Not just single women, but also marrieds who have single women that they interact with.  I know it’s important for me to have people to come alongside as encouragers and have people willing to keep me accountable to living in a godly way. 

The book is structured into 10 commitments that singles can follow to honor God in this season of life.   I want to look at a few of them here that stood out to me.  The first was “I am committed to receiving singleness as a gift from God” In this chapter she talks about seeing singleness itself as a gift not the lack of a gift.  I love giving gifts, I love trying to decide what would be a blessing for the recipient .  I see gift giving as an opportunity to show the person I’m giving to that I love them, that I pay attention to the things they like or need.  If I delight so much in giving good gifts, how much more does God delight in giving good gifts.  If I am capable of observing what gift will make someone in my life smile or fulfill some need they have how much better is God who has searched me and known me at giving the perfect gifts.  Ms. DeMoss writes

“I am not single by accident. I am not single because the “right man” has never asked me to        marry him.  I am not single because I have made up my mind not to marry.  Rather I am single
because God has chosen for me the gift of singleness.  I believe that I am single according to the perfect will and purpose of God.  I have no way of knowing how long He will give me this gift or whether He will ever chose to give me the gift of marriage.  I do not know whether it is His will for me to be single in five years.  But I do know that it has been His will to this point in my life.”

Seeing singleness as a gift chosen in love by my heavenly Father is such a wonderful viewpoint and something I was to commit to.  Once we see something in life as a gift it opens up the option to thank Him for it and use it well.

 

Another chapter was entitled “I am committed to relating to families” The first two paragraphs really hit home on some things that I have struggled with in the past and sometimes still struggle with.

“Those singles whose lives are characterized by chronic loneliness probably have not discovered their place in the Body of Christ.  The fact is, we are not alone.  We are a part of an incredible family of faith.  And that family includes far more than just other singles!  You and I are called to function within the broader context of the family of God.
One of my concerns about church programs designed solely for singles is the danger of isolating singles from the broader Body.  I believe God intends for our lives and gifts to operate within the sphere of the whole Body- young and old, married and single.  Those who interrelate only with others whose needs and interests are similar to their own are far more vulnerable to the   crippling, deadly effects of selfishness.”

I’ve seen this in my own life where the people  was closest to in church were other singles, that became especially hard as they started to get married and I didn’t.  Not only did those relationships change, but I saw people in the church, married couples and families reaching out to them as new couples in ways that they had never reached out to me (or even my friends when they were single)  To me it felt like there was some barrier keeping me outside full membership in the Body because I’m still single.  (In reality I think it was just that people could clearly see the opportunity to encourage and come alongside a new couple and that is not a bad thing.) 

Realizing that I don’t have to wait for families to reach out to me in order to be involved in their lives has been a huge help to me.  It’s still a struggle sometimes to figure out how I fit in to church life, but I’m learning.  In the chapter Ms. DeMoss also writes:

“On a practical note ,  I have known single men and women  who would love to spend time with families and become resentful when families don’t think to reach out to them (Um been there done that) My personal experience is that most married couples are not aware of the value of including singles in the life of their family and therefore generally don’t take the initiative to do so.   So my challenge to singles is this: Don’t be afraid to reach out to families!  Look for ways to initiate relationships with children, young people, and couples as well as older people who are         alone and in need of families”

She went on to gives some exceedingly practical ideas on how to do that, which was so helpful.  I am not a super great relationship initiator, I won’t invite myself over to your house for dinner unless I’ve known you forever and even then I prefer to drop hints about how great your cooking is.  However her ideas included going to kid’s ball games or concerts, sending notes of encouragement, inviting kids to come run errands, looking out for opportunities to meet needs.  She also gave the reminder that being a part of a family is a blessing, but it’s also a lot of work.  There has to be a commitment to keep up with people, to reach out to people, to sacrifice for their good.  It’s my responsibility to come alongside families and interact with them and love on them.

 

The last section I wanted to look at in this post is also the last one in the book “I am committed to pursuing and intimate relationship with God above all else”

“If God has chosen me for a life of singleness, then I will delight in His goodness and His ability to meet all my needs, and I will seek to cultivate a relationship with Him that will cause others to thirst for Him”

God is enough to meet every need I have and He loves me perfectly.  My relationship with Him is more important than any other relationship I will ever have.  I need to trust Him fully to do what is best in my life and know that He is able to “satisfy the deepest needs and longings in my heart” She writes;

“That is why I am committed to letting Him choose for me what gifts I will have, and to embrace His choices with all my heart.  I will not spend my life pining away for something He has not chosen for me.  I choose to be content with His choice for me and refuse to give in to a spirit of discontentment.  I chose to be His glad servant and let Him take and use my life in whatever way will please Him most.

For whatever period of time I am single, by God’s grace, I want to be totally His in body, soul and spirit.  I want to know Him, to love Him, and to glorify Him in our world.  I want to live each day in His presence living for His pleasure.  .  . ”

Marriage is a good thing, it’s a blessing and it’s something that I still do long for, but it is not the supreme thing.  A right relationship with the Lord is the supreme thing, and His glory is my chief end.  I am thankful to be able to have this little book as a reminder of the blessing singleness can and should be.

Change it up

Well it has been a while since I’ve even sat down to write anything for this Blog.  The last few weeks have been pretty busy.  I was in a musical, Bye, Bye Birdie and show time can be pretty crazy.  Everything turned out super well and it was a lot of fun, but right now I’m thankful that it’s over because I have a pretty big task over the next few weeks.  Moving back home is going to be great, really it’s the right thing however the process of getting things moved is a bit overwhelming to me.  There have been times when I have sat in my living room surveying the ground without any idea of how even half of the stuff in here will fit in my mom’s house.   

 

A while back Hershey’s had these commercials where they would show something changed and how bad the change was the tagline was “Change is bad.  .   . Hershey’s unchanged since 18??” I could totally relate to those commercials.  Deep down I know change is often good.  I know the Lord brings changes into our lives to help us grow in ways that wouldn’t be possible if things were always the same.  I’ve even experienced great changes in my own life seeing firsthand the joys that can come from something new.  However change still isn’t something I do without at least a few moments of “NOOOOOOOO” 

 

I am certain that the changes in my life right now are good ones, but there’s a part of me that’s still nervous.  A part of me that can see all the things that might go wrong, that doesn’t want to give up the certainty of what life is now to walk into uncertainty.  Thankfully that part of me is fighting a losing battle. Yes there are still moments of struggle, but those moments are becoming shorter.  When those thoughts come into my head that say “This will never work” “You can’t handle what’s coming?” it is becoming more normal to take them captive and make them obedient to Christ.  To replace them with prayers asking the Lord for wisdom, for strength, for a willingness to walk by faith and not by sight.

 

I’m looking forward to more opportunities to learn to see the blessings of change without the fear of it.  Over the next few months I’m not only moving back home, I’ll also be heading off to Central Ohio to work for about a month and a half at a Christian summer camp (More on that in future posts I’m sure).  There are adventures ahead, and they will be good.  I know they’ll be good, because I know God is good.  I know He truly knows what is best and will do what is best in my life. 

In the Valley

I don’t have a specific writer for today’s Writer Wednesday post.  The reason for that is the book I’m drawing from is a collection of writings drawn from a group of writers.  It is a book of Puritan Prayers called the Valley of Vision.  Arthur Bennett in the preface states “The prayers in this book are drawn from the largely forgotten deposit of Puritan spiritual exercises, meditations and aspirations.  They testify to the richness and colour of evangelical thought and language that animated vital piety in an important stream of English religious life.”  In reading the prayers of saints who have walked before I have been challenged by their devotion to the Lord, their passion for His glory, their hatred of their own sin, and their fear of the God of the universe.  

The preface goes on to say “The book is not intended to be read as a prayer manual.  The soul learns to pray by praying; for prayer is communion with a transcendent and immanent God who on the ground of His nature and attributes calls forth all the powers of the redeemed soul in acts of total adoration and dedication.  The prayers should therefore be used as aspirational units, the several parts of which could become springboards for the individual’s own prayer subjects.”  During those times when it can be hard to know what to pray for this book includes starting points, vivid reminders of many of the things we should be speaking to the Lord about.  Prayers that speak of His greatness, prayers that wonder at His mercy in redemption, prayers that beg forgiveness from sin, prayers of humble confession, prayers that recognize our helplessness,  prayers of thankfulness for the Lord’s abundant blessings, prayers asking for holiness, faith, grace, joy, contentment, sleep, comfort, happiness, sincerity, and prayers expressing the longing for eternity. 

There are so many things we should be going to the Lord for, so much that scripture calls us to pray without ceasing.  Yet often it’s hard to pray, hard to think deeply enough to approach the Lord with boldness.  I have been thankful to have these prayers as a springboard and a way to focus my own heart of the wonders of the Lord and on the joy and privilege it is to be heard in His presence.  Here is one of my favorite prayers from the Valley of Vision

The Deeps

Give me a deeper repentance,
A horror of sin,
A dread of its approach;
Help me chastely to flee it,
And jealously to resolve that my heart
Shall be thine alone.
Give me a deeper trust,
That I may lose myself to find myself in Thee,
The ground of my rest,
The spring of my being.
Give me a deeper knowledge of thyself
As Saviour, Master, Lord and King.
Give me deeper power in private prayer,
More sweetness in thy Word,
More steadfast grip on its truth.
Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action,
And let me not seek moral virtue apart from thee.
Plough deep in me, great Lord,
Heavenly Husbandman,
That my being may be a tilled field,
The roots of grace spreading far and wide,
Until Thou alone art seen in me,
Thy beauty golden like summer harvest,
Thy fruitfulness as autumn plenty.
I have no Master but thee,
No law but thy will,
No delight but thyself,
No wealth but that thou givest,
No good but that thou blessest,
No peace but that thou bestowest.
I am nothing but that thou makest me,
I have nothing but that I receive from thee,
I can be nothing but that grace adorns me.
Quarry me deep, dear Lord,
And then fill me to overflowing
With living water.

Tunesday

Today I have decided to try out another theme day!!  Tuesday sounds a bit like Tunesday doesn’t it? This idea is not new but shamelessly stolen from other bloggers who take one day a week to feature a song.  If you know me at all you know I love music.  I’ve been known to literally break into song without even meaning to.  I sing along with the music in the grocery store, I sing in the car, I sing in the shower, I sing when people say words that are in songs I know.   .  . Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it until a strange in the baking aisle starts staring.

Since music stays so firmly in my mind it has been an extremely important part of my spiritual life as well.  I read a quote once that talked about how while many things like books and sermons pass through a mind fleetingly hymns stay in a mind and the tunes replay again and again causing that mind to dwell on the words, to meditate on them fully.  Adding music to lyrics cements those lyrics in the mind.  While there are many useless songs that can get stuck in my head on occasion there are also those wonderful songs that cause my thoughts to turn to the Lord.  There are those hymns and spiritual songs that tune my heart to sing His praise.

This morning I pulled a book off my shelf to look for a song to share here.  The book is Gadsby’s Hymns and according to the back cover it “is an esteemed collection of 1156 hymns of rich theological content, many of which are not found in any other current hymnal”  Many of these hymns are filled to overflowing with doctrine and adoration of the living God.  Many of the hymns in these pages no longer have tunes and it can be a delight to me to sit down with the guitar and just sing the words, most of my tunes are just a joyful noise unto the Lord with an emphasis on the word noise.  However I am not the only one who knows about this hymnal.  I discovered the book after hearing settings from it by Red Mountain Music, they actually have a CD drawn entirely from Gadsby’s Hymnal, giving tunes back to a few of these incredible hymns. 

For today I wanted to share one of my favorite hymns from Gadsby’s Hymnal and really one of my favorite hymns period.  It is Hymn # 1052 and I learned it under the title “Friend of Sinners”

Redeemer whither should I flee

Or how escape the wrath to come
The weary sinner flies to Thee
For shelter from impending doom;
Smile on me gracious Lord
And show Thyself the Friend of sinners now

 

Beneath the shadow of Thy cross
My heavy laden soul finds rest
I would esteem the world but dross
So I might be of Christ possessed
I’d seek my every joy in Thee
Be Thou both life and light to me

 

Close to Thy highly shameful tree
Jesus my humbled soul would cleave
Despised and crucified with Thee
With the resolved to die and live
This prayer and this ambition mine
Living and dying to be Thine

 

There fastened to the rugged wood
By holy love’s resistless chain
And life deriving from Thy blood
Never to wander wide again
There may I bow my suppliant knee
And own no other Lord but Thee

I can fly. . . ouch. . .maybe not

Is it possible to fall behind on a self-imposed writing project?   Well if it is then I have fallen a bit behind on this blog.  However, I am behind for good reason.  Real life has been extremely busy over the last week.  For the past few years I’ve been involved in St Stephen’s Parish Players, a community theater group on Grand Island.  My mom saw an ad in the town’s paper for auditions about 5 years ago and sent me to go try out.  My audition was absolutely terrible that year; however I was cast in the chorus of Annie Get Your Gun and have been involved with the group ever since both on and off stage.

Last week I ended up doing behind the scenes work for the younger kids show, Peter Pan.  I tend to get sucked into projects without really intending to.  I stopped over at one of the kid’s rehearsals to drop off some piratey things (Who doesn’t have swords, bandanas, and eye patches in their closets?!?!)  and stayed to move set pieces, and then stayed to paint, and then stayed to .  .   . Well you get the idea.  It was time I hadn’t planned on investing, but it was incredible to be able to come alongside and help a group of kids who have worked so hard to put on a tremendous show. 

Everything this week went very well, but it wasn’t a perfect week.  It wasn’t perfect in part because I’m not always good at knowing what my own limits are.  Quite often I don’t want to admit that the limits exist.  However they do.  As much as I sometimes want to set aside things like sleep and meals and all of those basic needs in order to do big things I was reminded this week that when some of those “little things” are ignored everything else suffers.  My generally cheerful and mostly easy going personality becomes sharper and much more easily frustrated.  Plus without those basics my body just isn’t willing to do the things I ask of it, headaches come in full force and knees refuse to bend in quite the same way as they normally do.

This week was a reminder that sometimes, even when it’s hard because I can see work that needs to be done, I need to stop working and rest.  It was a reminder that during times when I am working hard I need to plan for the basics to bring along meals and that sort of thing.  It was also a wakeup call in some ways.  I desperately want to expand my current limits physically and mentally.

I have already been doing that to a certain extent in diet with the whole High Fat, High Protein, Low Carb thing.  That way of eating seems to be a good fit for me so far.  Beyond that though if I expect  to be able to do work that is past my current limits I’m going to have to be intentional about pushing my physical limits with .   .    . wait for it.    .    . Exercise.   I have never, ever been a good exerciser!!  I am strong, I am sporty but I have never liked exercising for the point of exercising.  I have a sweatshirt that has a picture of a person being chased by a T Rex with the caption “Exercise: Some motivation required”  I guess I need to find that motivation.  .  . Anyone have a T Rex I can borrow?  No?

Hopefully the vision I have for my future is enough motivation to start working at pushing my physical limits.  There’s things I want to be able to do, as soon as this summer, that mean I need to be able to walk for longer periods of time, I need to be able to run a bit,  I need to be able to lift and move with greater ease.  Thankfully I’m not overwhelmed by those thoughts; there have been times in my life when I would have been utterly and completely overwhelmed by all of these changes that I need to make.  However they aren’t things I need to do overnight, they aren’t things I need to do perfectly, and they aren’t impossible goals.  Besides that I have the promise that God’s grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in weakness.   I also have a greater willingness in my own heart to obey the command “Whether you eat or drink whatever you do, do it heartily as unto the Lord”  

So even though I slacked off on my blogging assignments this week, I learned a lot.  I learned more about my weaknesses and also about my strengths.  I also got to spend time getting to know as awesome group of kids better.  One of my favorite parts of this week was sneaking out into the audience at the end of each show, and cheering with all my might for the talented and smiling cast of Peter Pan.

Writer Wednesday. . . Um yeah it's Thursday, but I wrote this yesterday honest!!

The name of my Blog comes from one of my favorite books “Stepping Heavenward: One Woman’s Journey to Godliness” by Elizabeth Prentiss.  The book is the diary of a young woman, Katherine, and begins “How dreadfully old I am getting! Sixteen!”  Reading that for the first time as an 18 year old I couldn’t help, but smile. She continues “I determined, in the first place, to begin this journal.  To be sure, I have begun half a dozen, and got tired of them after a while.  Not tired of writing them, but disgusted with what I had to say of myself.  But this time I mean to go on, in spite of everything.  It will do me good to read it over and see what a creature I am.”

I have dozens of journals myself, a few pages written and then nothing.  I could relate to this girl when I was 18 and I can relate to her now.  Writing honestly about who you are is often a terrifying thing.  In this book there’s a glimpse of a girl’s struggles with herself, her struggles with the Lord, her struggles with sin, her struggles with her own longings, her struggles with temptation.  And through all the struggles she faces, she grows.  She grows in wisdom, she grows in character, she grows in her relationship with her God. 

Reading this book over the years I have often found myself, with tears in my eyes, setting it down and thinking I could have written that of myself.  Things like:

“Amelia has been here.  She has had another talk with Dr. Cabot and is perfectly happy.  She says it is easy to be a Christian! It may be easy for her; everything is.  She never has any of my dreadful feelings and does not understand them when I try to  explain them to her. Well!  If I am fated to be miserable, I must try to bear it.”

“’You would not speak to me so kindly’ I got out at last, ‘If you knew what a dreadful creature I am.  I am angry with myself and angry with everybody and angry with God.  I can’t be good two minutes at a time.  I do everything I do not want to do and do nothing I try and pray to do.  Everybody plagues me and tempts me.  And God does not answer any of my prayers, and I am just desperate.’”

“I came away; and all the way home I fought this battle with myself, saying, ‘He loves me!’ I knelt down to pray, and all my wasted, childish, wicked life came and stared me in the face.  I looked at it and said with tears of joy, ‘But he loves me!’ Never in my life did I feel so rested, so quieted , so sorrowful, and yet so satisfied.”

“It has seemed to me for several days that it must be that I really do love God, though ever so little.  But it shot through my mind today like a knife that it is a miserable, selfish love at best, not worth my giving, not worth God’s accepting.  All my old misery has come back with seven other miseries more miserable than itself.  I wish I had never been born!  I wish I were thoughtless and careless like so many other girls of my age, who seem to get along very well and enjoy themselves far more than I do.”

“The truth is the journey heavenward is all uphill.”

“It is high time to stop and think.  I have been like one running a race and am stopping to take breath.  I do not like the way things have been going as of late.  I feel restless and ill at ease.  I see that if I would be happy in God, I must give Him all.  And there is a wicked reluctance to do that.  I want Him- but I want to have my own way, too.  I want to walk humbly and softly before Him and I want to go where I shall be admired and applauded.  To whom shall I yield? To God? Or to myself?”

“Yes, I have prayed, and he has heard me. I see that I have no right to live for myself and that I must live for Him.  I have given myself to Him as I never did before and have entered, as it were, a new world.  I was very happy when I first began to believe in His love for me and that He had redeemed me.  But this new happiness is deeper; it involves something higher than getting to heaven at last, which has, hitherto, been my great aim.”

“The more I pray and the more I read the Bible, the more I feel my ignorance. And the more earnestly I desire holiness, the more utterly unholy I see myself to be. But I have pledged myself to the Lord, and I must pay my vows, cost what it may.”

“Oh I do wish.  .  . that God had given us plain rules about which we could make no mistake”

“The last day of the happiest summer I ever spent.  If I had only been willing to believe the testimony of others I might have been just as happy long ago.  But I wanted to have all there was in God and all there was in the world at once; and there was a constant, painful struggle between the two.  I hope that struggle is now over.  I deliberately choose and prefer God.  I have found a sweet peace in trying to please Him such as I never conceived of.  I would not change it for all the best things this world can give.  But I have a great deal left to learn.  I am like a child who cannot run to get what he wants but approaches it step by step, slowly, timidly- and yet approaches it.  I am amazed at the patience of my blessed Master and Teacher, but how I love His school!”

I could probably go on copying quotes from this book for hours, but then what would be left for you if you decide to read it yourself?  The encouragement for me in reading this book has often been learning that I am not alone in many of the thoughts that fill my head.  I’m not the first person who has dealt with doubt, pride, selfishness, fear, anger, loneliness.  .   .  All of those struggles have not only been faced by others on this journey heavenward, but there has been victory over all of these.  I am thankful for the honesty in these pages, even though it is a work of fiction, there is a reality in the thoughts recorded that I believe must have come from the author’s heart.